


Picking Locks

by blindmasks



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: (Very brief), Caning, Canon Era, Corporal Punishment, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Sexual Harassment, Insomnia, Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin) Has OCD, M/M, No Safeword, OCD, Punishment, Whipping, almost canon?, non-con corporal punishment, non-sexual bdsm, this is some weird grey area of BDSM
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-05
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:41:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 32,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22127326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blindmasks/pseuds/blindmasks
Summary: The first time that Levi is sent to Erwin’s office, he is accompanied by a furious, red-faced Flagon, who grips him too hard by the arm. “Since he is your pet project, you can deal with him,” Flagon says.“And what exactly is the trouble now?” Erwin says.“He cleaned the entire goddamn barracks,” Flagon says.Erwin looks at him, looks at Levi, looks back. “I’m not following,” Erwin says.Flagon gets fed up trying to find a way to punish Levi, so Erwin takes over. This works well until it doesn't.
Relationships: Levi/Erwin Smith
Comments: 68
Kudos: 417





	1. Open Cage

**Author's Note:**

> This should have been crack but then I took it too seriously.

The first time that Levi is sent to Erwin’s office, he is accompanied by a furious, red-faced Flagon, who grips him too hard by the arm. Levi looks pissed off but isn’t actively fighting it. Flagon gives him a small shove into the room, and Levi tenses and turns to scowl at him.

“Since he is your pet project, you can deal with him,” Flagon says. “Any other recruit would have been discharged by now, so you want to keep him so much, you deal with it.”

Erwin’s eyes go from Flagon to Levi and back to Flagon. “And what exactly is the trouble now?”

“He cleaned the entire goddamn barracks,” Flagon says.

Erwin looks at him, looks at Levi, looks back. “I’m not following,” Erwin says.

“I knocked out a couple of brats and he’s pissed about it,” Levi says.

There’s a disinterested look on his face now, if still mildly angry. Flagon fumes.

“This underground thug sent three recruits to medical and as punishment was charged with cleaning the recruit’s mess hall and kitchen,” Flagon says.

“Third one was just being a bitch about it, barely had a scrape,” Levi says.

Flagon looks like he might actually murder Levi right there in front of him.

“And he has the – the audacity to clean the entire barracks, including the latrines and the showers, along with the kitchen.”

“It was dirty,” Levi says.

“Shut up!” Flagon shouts.

“So you want to punish him for… cleaning too much?” Erwin says.

“The punishment was clearly not effective,” Flagon says. “And I’m fed up with trying to find one that is.”

“He tried to beat me with a stick but he’s too fucking slow,” Levi says.

Flagon opens his mouth and Erwin sighs. “Very well,” Erwin says. “In the future, you can send him to me for punishments.”

Levi turns to look at him with sharp eyes at that. It’s not at all apprehensive, though there’s suspicion in there, something challenging, almost intrigued, like he can’t wait to see what Erwin tries to do.

“Good,” Flagon spits, and then he’s slamming the door shut.

Erwin sighs. Levi crosses his arms.

“What was the fight about?” Erwin says.

“With those assholes?” Levi says. “What do you think?”

He sneers as he says it, and Erwin catalogues the change. Levi’s shoulders tense and his face twists – he’s angry now. He’d clearly only been annoyed with Flagon, but he bristles at the mention of the recruits.

It makes Erwin wonder – something about being underground scum? Maybe something about Isabel and Furlan – they’ve only died a month ago – maybe a joke about his height?

“You’re right,” Erwin says, “it doesn’t particularly matter what the fight was about. You threw the first punch, I’m assuming?” Erwin wouldn’t put it past Flagon to exaggerate, or to blame Levi for something that was not really his fault, but Levi just stares at him with defiance and it is all the answer Erwin needs.

“Right,” Erwin says. He stands up. Levi doesn’t move, just watches him with the same defiant, unafraid look.

“You have a couple of choices,” Erwin says. “I’ll throw you in one of the cells in the basement of the armory for a week, you can have a whipping, or you can have a caning.”

Levi’s jaw sets. There’s a flash of emotions that is smoothed over quickly back to the same defiant anger. “Knew you were a sadist,” Levi says. Erwin’s expression does not change. He waits. Levi tilts his head slightly. “Better get your cane, old man.”

Erwin moves to the chest in the corner of his office and opens it. He does in fact have a cane there – thin and moderately flexible. If Levi had chosen the whip he would have had to have gone and gotten one. He hasn’t used the cane on anyone in a long time and he tests the give, makes sure it hasn’t gone brittle or produced any splinters. He’s not looking to draw blood.

He’s not at all surprised by Levi’s choice. The idea of spending a week in an underground, dark, confined, and filthy cell would probably sound a lot worse to him. Erwin’s not interested in traumatizing Levi anymore than he already has been, which was why he’d given him alternative options. The whip would be more painful, but Erwin would have given him fewer lashes. It was a little more dignified then a caning, but either Erwin has overestimated Levi’s tolerance for pain or Levi simply doesn’t care about the undignified position of a caning.

When he turns back Levi is already undoing the straps for his gear. “I’m assuming you want to be a pervert about this,” Levi says.

“When you’re finished removing your gear you can pull down your trousers and underpants and lean over the desk,” Erwin says.

“Pervert it is,” Levi says.

Erwin makes no comment. He gave Levi the option of a whipping instead, where he’d only have to remove his shirt, so he clearly isn’t bothered by the nudity too much.

Levi walks past him to the desk and if he feels embarrassed at all then he certainly doesn’t look it. He undoes his belt and unbuttons his pants, before shoving them down and leaning over the desk, settling his head on his folded arms.

“Get on with it then,” Levi says.

“You’ll get twenty, and you’ll count,” Erwin says, “or we’ll start over from the beginning.”

“Joy,” Levi says.

Erwin delivers the first strike and Levi flinches and grunts. “One,” he says, and Erwin is actually impressed by the sheer amount of disdain and derision Levi is able to get into a single syllable.

Erwin starts with hard strokes – about as strong as he can make them without cutting the skin. Levi clamps his teeth shut and Erwin watches his hands curl to fists. Levi turns his head away from him so Erwin can’t see his face. His whole body tenses with every hit. He grinds out the counts, the words so rough and low that it’s like he’s putting every ounce of self-control into keeping them angry and steady. Rough noises come out of his throat with every hit too, but he catches them in growls and they come out through gritted teeth.

“N-nine,” Levi says, and it’s the first time his voice falters for a moment. He lets out a frustrated gasp. He shifts abruptly, arms coming apart and leaning up a little, on his elbows, both hands tight fists, and he presses his forehead into the table. Erwin can see the cut of his jaw, the white of his teeth. He looks like he could break them. His hair falls over his face so Erwin can’t see his eyes. “Ten,” Levi says, steady again, on the next one. The resolve only lasts that long though.

“E’levin, _fuck_ ,” Levi says. Erwin can hear his heavy breathing now, can see sweat on the back of his neck. His ass is striped in red welts which are going to be purple very soon. Levi is not going to be very comfortable over the next couple days, the next week really. He flinches hard at the next one, bends his knees and twists his head sharply to the side, away from Erwin. He gasps but Erwin gives him that couple of seconds. “Twelve,” he says, the word coming out very shaky. Levi moves his head back into place with his forehead pressed to the wood.

Erwin had been taking care not to cross the welts too much but they are too close together now. He makes sure to hit a bit lighter so as to still avoid drawing blood but they are no less painful.

Levi bangs his fist down at the next hit and the sound is loud enough to actually startle Erwin. “ _Fuck_ , thir-thirteen, _fuck_ you,” Levi says.

Erwin ignores it. Levi’s clearly reaching his breaking point and he knows he’s just lashing out now.

“Gah,” Levi says, gasping, and his fists unclench just to claw at the desk. “Gh, f-four- _fuck_ , fuck, fourteen.”

At fifteen he screams through his teeth. He presses his forehead to the table and gasps and clenches his fists and his shoulders start shaking. He keeps gasping and doesn’t say the number.

Erwin puts a hand down in the center of Levi’s back. He doesn’t press, just puts it there. “You’re doing well,” he says.

“Fuck you,” Levi says, but it’s watery this time and doesn’t hold anywhere near as much venom.

“Number,” Erwin says.

“I – fifteen,” Levi says.

“Good,” Erwin says. He’s not going to make Levi start over. He’s confident that by twenty Levi will firmly get the message he’s trying to send. There’s no reason to do more unless Levi won’t count out of defiance rather than this unconscious forgetting.

His voice cracks on sixteen. He just gasps at the next one, and Erwin gives him a moment, and then prompts again, “Levi.”

Levi swallows. “S-s-seventeen.” It’s shaky and wet and Levi’s clearly trying to control his voice.

“Eighteen,” Levi says, after Erwin brings one down low just under the curve of his ass, and he hit much lighter there but the number comes out dangerously close to a sob. “Fuck, I get it, alright?”

“Two more,” Erwin says. He keeps his hand on the center of Levi’s back. The next two are light as well but Levi flinches and the words come out shaky.

When he finishes Erwin puts the cane down and keeps his hand on Levi’s back for a few more moments. Levi doesn’t move, stays in the same position gasping and taking deep breaths.

Erwin gets up, walks around to open a cabinet behind his desk. He pushes some bottles aside before finding one. He puts it down on the desk next to where Levi is still bent over.

“Lotion,” Erwin says as he places it. He’s honestly not sure if Levi will use it or if he’s too proud for that, but Erwin offers. “I’m going to get us some tea,” he says. He has a feeling Levi’s not going to move until Erwin leaves – that his face is red and pained – Erwin can’t quite tell if he’d started crying or not – and he doesn’t want Erwin to see how much the caning has affected him. “I expect you to still be here when I get back,” Erwin says, with just enough sternness to make the message clear. Levi doesn’t move, but Erwin hadn’t expected him to.

When Erwin gets back with two cups of tea he finds Levi leaning back against the cabinets behind Erwin’s desk. The cabinets which are just above waist height for Levi, so it will dig into the small of his back rather than make contact with his ass the way his desk would have. Levi has his hands braced on either side of him and his expression is carefully schooled back to an impassive, guarded coolness.

Erwin holds out one cup of tea to Levi, and Levi looks at him almost suspiciously for a moment, before taking it. Erwin sits down in one of the armchairs in his office, and Levi stays where he leans against the cabinets.

“What was the fight about?” Erwin asks again.

Levi looks at him over his cup, gripped by the rim in the way Erwin has only ever seen Levi do. There’s a long moment of silence before Levi turns to the side. “Mentioned my mother,” he says.

Erwin is surprised. It’s not one of the scenarios that he had guessed. “And this upset you enough to attack them?”

“I watched my mother die when I was six and then I sat in the room starving with her decaying body for three days,” Levi says.

Erwin’s eyes widen a little bit. Levi says it impassively. “They couldn’t have known that,” Erwin says.

“They don’t have to know that to call her a whore,” Levi says. “They don’t have to know that to say she probably died in a gutter with a cock down her throat.”

Erwin nearly winces. “I’m sorry,” he says. “That was cruel of them.”

Levi snorts.

“Not an instance where violence is necessary,” Erwin says firmly, “but it was very cruel and I’m sorry.”

“The hell you want me to do, Smith?” he says. “Stand there and listen?”

“Are you telling me the only way you could have handled the situation was to send three recruits to medical? I don’t want to advocate for any type of violence between soldiers but I’m pretty certain you could have just knocked them on their asses and left it at that.”

Levi glares at him. “And when they got up to have a go at me?”

Erwin raises an eyebrow. “Let’s not be modest now. You and I both know that it doesn’t matter that there were three of them, you could have gotten through a fight without a scratch and without injuring them enough for medical.” He pauses. “However, you could have just as well simply walked away and left it at that.”

Levi scoffs.

“You need to work on your temper,” Erwin says. “Lashing out like that is only going to show them how they can get to you. You don’t need to focus on them.”

Levi looks away but some of the tension runs from his jaw. He takes another sip of tea.

“And anyway,” Erwin says, “I think I’ve proven to you that you really don’t want to end up here again.”

Levi’s eyes slip back over to him, but they’re not nearly as angry as Erwin is expecting. It’s back to impassive, assessing.

“Are you having any other problems?” Erwin says.

Levi just looks at him for a moment, and then he shakes his head. Erwin nods.

“Alright,” Erwin says, “you can tell me if you do. If there’s something I can do then I will.”

Levi watches him over the brim of his cup.

The next time Levi is brought to Erwin, Flagon tells Erwin quickly that Levi has been repeatedly rude to his superiors and after several warnings he has had enough. Levi scowls at the floor and Erwin thanks Flagon and waits for him to leave.

“I was hoping we wouldn’t have another conversation like this,” Erwin says once he’s gone.

Levi continues scowling but he shifts slightly and he is just the slightest bit too tense. He’s worried this time, knows what Erwin will do this time. His jaw sets but he doesn’t look up.

“The cell, the cane, or the whip,” Erwin says.

“Cane,” Levi says.

Erwin gets up. He retrieves it. He gives Levi twenty strikes again and again Levi holds out for about ten before he begins to crack. Again, afterwards Erwin leaves lotion on the desk and goes and gets tea. Again afterwards Erwin asks Levi what made him so upset that he had to lash out.

“They fucking talk to me like I’m a snot nosed brat,” Levi says. “I’m twenty-three.”

“You’ve been here four months,” Erwin says. “It has nothing to do with your age. Just how long you’ve been here.”

Levi scowls at him and drinks his tea.

It becomes something of a routine. Levi is sent to Erwin on a fairly regular basis. Levi scowls at him and pretends he doesn’t dread the coming punishment. Afterwards Erwin asks Levi about it, and he’s surprisingly forthcoming about what brought about his reactions. Erwin gives him tea, and lets Levi stay until he’s calmed down.

Levi is brought in one time, a few months later, after they have done this many times now, and this time he is escorted by two soldiers, each holding him roughly by an arm, and he looks livid. Flagon follows behind him.

“Erwin,” he starts.

“ _Fuck off_ ,” Levi says, giving Flagon a murderous look. His lip and cheek are cut, his clothes disheveled.

Flagon’s face goes red and before Erwin can say anything Flagon’s backhanding Levi across the face. Levi’s head snaps to the side but he looks back lightening quick, and he spits in Flagon’s face.

There’s a moment of triumph, of sick satisfaction in Levi’s expression and he grins. There’s blood on his teeth. Flagon steps forward, absolutely furious, and Erwin stands up, pushing his chair backwards with a loud scrape.

“What is the problem?” he says.

Flagon pauses, and Levi looks at him from the corner of his eye, hair covering his face.

“Your little prodigy disobeyed a direct order and _broke_ one of his teammate’s arms,” Flagon says.

“Are you fucking blind,” Levi says to Flagon, shouting, face red and eyes wide, “did you not fucking see what that piece of shit bastard was –”

“Right,” Erwin says. “Thank you, Flagon, I’ll take care of it.”

The soldiers let go of Levi and Levi tears from their grip, scowling after them. Flagon slams the door once again.

Erwin looks to Levi. Levi’s already looking at him, the furious scowl still on his face.

“No,” he says. “I didn’t do anything fucking wrong this time, Smith.”

There’s so much anger and indignance in his expression, but the characteristic defiance is absent. Erwin frowns. “What happened then?” he says. “Because generally breaking a recruit’s arm qualifies as something wrong.”

Levi looks away, scowls at the wall instead. “Fucking bastard doesn’t know how to keep his hands to himself.”

Erwin feels his chest go heavy. “Is that so?”

Levi keeps looking at the wall, silent for a long moment. “Wouldn’t leave Vic alone,” he says. Another pause. “Been going on for weeks.” His jaw clenches and he looks back at Erwin, angry and hard. “You can cane me all the fuck you want, I’d do it again in a second and you won’t convince me that I shouldn’t have.”

Erwin opens his mouth, is about to say something about not needing to escalate to such levels of violence, but Levi takes an almost threatening step forward, pointing at him.

“No,” he says, “I won’t hear it, I tried – he’s been told off a half dozen times not just from me and he keeps fucking cornering her, he had a hand on her _throat_ , I am not –”

“Alright,” Erwin says. Levi falters for only a moment.

“Alright?”

“Alright,” Erwin says. “What’s his name?”

Levi looks at him a moment longer. “Aaron.”

“Aaron,” Erwin says. “I’ll have him moved to a different squad. I’ll make sure he’s punished and if it happens again he’ll be discharged.”

Levi looks at him like it’s the last thing he expected Erwin to say. “Just like that?” he says.

“I’m not in the habit of unjustly punishing people,” Erwin says. “And I’m certainly not in the habit of letting such cruel and unacceptable behavior slide.”

Levi still looks suspicious. Erwin gets up. “I’ll get some tea,” he says. Levi watches him as Erwin goes to the door. Erwin pauses. “Although next time, breaking a finger instead of an arm is usually as sufficient a message.”

It’s not really a surprise, but Erwin certainly hadn’t expected just how far it would go. Levi always chooses the cane, and after a while the anger and the defiance fades to something almost resigned, and Levi begins to look almost sorry. It slowly, very slowly, shifts to something different. Levi is sent there, and as soon as Flagon or whoever he is with leaves, Levi deflates, looks at Erwin with only barely covered apprehension, begins to fidget and watch as Erwin goes to get the cane.

It becomes something of a catharsis. Erwin watches the defiance and the anger and the tension run from Levi’s body until afterwards he is calm and so much more open, more willing to talk and tell him what’s really wrong, what brought about this infraction.

It’s been almost six months since Flagon first brought Levi in there when Erwin realizes that Levi’s started doing it on purpose.

Erwin realizes it and he doesn’t know what to say. He realizes that Levi has started to crave the comfortable, relaxed, safe discussion that they have afterwards. How it gives Levi an opportunity to talk about what’s bothering him in a way that he doesn’t have otherwise. Erwin realizes that while Levi obviously does not enjoy the pain, he has started taking comfort in their odd meetings. Erwin tells Levi that he is free to come talk to him whenever he likes, but this doesn’t change anything. He’s at a bit of a loss.

And then Levi comes in one day, and he’s disobeyed one of his superior’s orders – something trivial in practice but could be disastrous outside the walls – and Erwin asks him, as he always does, if he wants the cell, the cane, or the whip.

“The whip,” Levi says.

Erwin stares at him. “Are you sure?” he says.

Levi nods slowly. Erwin can’t decipher his expression. “You’ll have to wait here while I get it then,” Erwin says.

Erwin leaves to retrieve a whip from the stables and there’s a sick feeling in his stomach. He can’t figure out why Levi would choose this now, after months of always picking the cane. He goes and gets it then. He comes back to find Levi in the same spot, the straps from his gear removed.

“Are you sure you want this, Levi?” Erwin says.

Levi nods. It’s again such a strange expression and Erwin can’t place it. It’s not defiance, not anger, almost curiosity? But that’s not right either. It’s so much sharper, so much more hidden, than that.

“Fine,” Erwin says. “Take your shirt off then. You can stand by the wall.”

Levi pulls his shirt off. He goes to the wall and braces his forearms against it. He takes measured breaths.

“You’ll get ten,” Erwin says. His usual with the cane is twenty, but the whip will be worse.

With a crack Erwin lands the first strike. Levi gasps like the sound has been forced out of him, and he flinches hard away from it. Blood wells up in the cut that’s formed. It’s thin and not at all deep but the blood is bright red and Erwin doesn’t like the way it makes his stomach turn just the slightest bit.

“Levi, number,” Erwin says after a moment.

“One,” he says.

Erwin lands the next strike and Levi flinches again, let’s out a gasp. He leans his forehead against the wall. “T-two,” he says.

Erwin makes the third strike. The sound that comes out of Levi’s mouth is ragged and it makes Erwin feel unsettled. It’s not so much pain in the noise as it is something shockingly distressed.

“Erwin,” Levi says. His voice is quiet and shaky. He takes a couple deep breaths and then he shifts, moving just a few inches away from the wall. He turns, head down, breathing hard. Erwin can’t see his eyes with how his head is tilted down and his hair falls over his face. He stands so his side faces Erwin, one arm still braced against the wall. “I want the cane,” Levi says.

“You’ve already made your choice,” Erwin says.

Levi lets out a rush of air. “Erwin, I want the cane,” he says.

“Face the wall,” Erwin says.

Levi waits another moment, and then he turns back towards the wall.

Levi presses his forehead against the wall and his shoulders shake. He starts flinching to the side, unconsciously trying to angle his back away from Erwin. The gasps of breath all sound punched out of him. He waits too long before giving the numbers, like he’s trying to stall. After the seventh one he suddenly moves several feet away, so fast it startles Erwin. Levi is half bent over, leaning against the wall with one arm and his forehead braced against it, angled so his face is towards Erwin, his back shielded. He’s nearly hyperventilating and his hands tremble.

“Levi,” Erwin says.

“No more,” Levi says. He doesn’t look up and it comes out quiet, shaky.

“You have three left,” Erwin says.

Levi turns fully towards the wall again and Erwin sees the expression on his face for only half a second before he’s tilted his head down too far and his hair covers his face. Levi’s teeth are clenched and his eyes squeezed shut, his face blotchy.

Levi pants against the wall for a few more moments, and then he slowly moves back over and takes up his previous position in front of Erwin.

Erwin doesn’t make him count the last three. He gives him light hits – about as light as he can make them. The number of hits he gives Levi is always intended to be just enough to break down his defenses, no more, and it is pretty clear that Levi is past that.

When Erwin finishes he puts the whip down, retrieves a skin of water and some clean gauze and the lotion, before telling Levi that he’s going to get tea. Levi doesn’t move.

When he comes back Levi is sitting on one of his cabinets with his shirt on again, head tilted down. Erwin gives him tea and Levi drinks it, but he doesn’t talk this time. He’s near silent. He leaves rather quickly.

It’s three weeks later that Levi is back in his office. He’s gotten into a fight again. Someone purposefully tripped him so he’d fall in mud and Levi started beating the shit out of him until the other recruits pulled him off. The soldier’s in medical. He’ll be fine but Levi knocked him out and nearly dislocated his jaw.

Levi’s covered in mud and tense when he gets there. He’s near twitching. Once Flagon is gone Erwin turns to him. Levi stares at the floor, hands clenched to fists. His teeth are already gritted but there’s something off this time.

He’s jittery. He glances up at Erwin and then looks back down, and Erwin can see his eyes darting around. He turns one wrist back and forth, subtly squeezing and relaxing his fist there. His hands look like they’re almost shaking. His breathing is too fast and almost shallow.

Erwin frowns. He watches for a moment and Levi just keeps standing there, eyes flicking up and down and around the room.

“Cane,” Levi says, when the silence has dragged for several long moments.

Erwin nods, and then stands and goes to get it. When he turns around Levi has taken his jacket off and folded it carefully on the table near the door like he normally does, but he’s left just fiddling with his gear straps. Erwin waits a moment by his desk with the cane but Levi just keeps fiddling.

“Levi,” Erwin says.

Levi takes in a harsh breath and starts slowly undoing them. He doesn’t look up, just removes the straps far enough that he’ll be able to undo his pants and pull them down. He hesitates when he’s finished, and then looks up again.

Levi’s eyes slip to the cane, and suddenly he freezes. Erwin frowns, stilling. “Levi,” he says again.

Levi looks sharply away, clenching his hands. “I just need a minute,” he says, but his breathing has gone fast and suddenly he’s wiping at the drying mud on his shirt and pants.

Erwin thinks it must be the dirt then. Levi usually shows some apprehension now when he comes for his punishments but he’s never this obviously nervous. Erwin knows he likes to clean and he hates filth, and Erwin wonders if it’s more than a simple dislike of dirt.

Erwin takes a step towards Levi and Levi flinches, taking a step back. Erwin stops.

“Just a minute,” Levi says, and this time there’s a desperate edge to it.

Erwin’s frown deepens. “Levi, come sit,” he says, and gestures to one of the chairs by his desk.

This just appears to make things worse, and Levi shakes his head. His eyes flick to the door.

“Levi,” Erwin says, “what’s wrong?” He sucks in another breath. Erwin waits. Levi doesn’t look at him. “Levi, what’s going on?” Erwin says again.

He waits, and Levi says nothing, and Erwin frowns.

“Alright then,” Erwin says, picking up the cane from where he’d put it down. “Come on then.”

Levi’s eyes dart up again, meet his. He looks _panicked_ and Erwin doesn’t think he’s ever actually seen Levi look like that and it stops him, makes him go still again, as Levi shakes his head and tenses up completely.

“Okay,” Erwin says. “I’m going to get tea.”

When Erwin gets back, Levi is sitting in the chair. He looks calmer now but his head still jerks upright when Erwin walks in. He’s wiped much of the crusted mud off his clothing, and Erwin looks at the floor where it’s fallen.

“You don’t have a broom,” Levi says.

Erwin nods. He hands Levi his cup of tea. Erwin gives him a few moments. “What was this about?” he says then.

Levi fiddles with the tea. He shrugs.

“Is it the dirt?” Erwin says.

Levi hesitates, then shakes his head.

Erwin frowns. “Alright,” he says. “What then?”

Levi doesn’t say anything for a long moment, and then, “Last time.”

“Last time?” Erwin says.

Levi nods.

“What about last time?” Erwin says. “You know you don’t have to take the whip again. I always give you the choice.”

Levi tenses up at the mention of it. He shakes his head. “Not that.”

“Not the whip?”

Levi’s jaw clenches and he doesn’t say anything.

“Yes, the whip?”

Levi nods slowly. Erwin watches him.

“What about the whip?” Erwin says.

Levi looks to the side. “Wasn’t what I expected,” he says.

“It hurt worse than you thought it would?”

Levi shrugs. “Hurt different.” Erwin waits. Levi opens and closes his mouth a couple times. “I wanted to stop,” he says.

Erwin frowns. “You don’t normally want to stop?”

Levi lets out a huff of air and reaches up to comb his fingers through his hair. “No, I… I don’t _like_ it, but… I wanted this to stop. It didn’t feel like it normally does.”

“Why did you choose it in the first place?” Erwin says.

Levi shrugs again. “Wanted to try it,” he says. “It… was a different hurt. I don’t want to feel it again.”

“Levi, I’m not going to force you to take it.”

“You did then,” he says.

Erwin pauses. He takes in the guarded, closed off way Levi is holding himself, how he’s avoiding eye contact and looks ready to jump out of the seat.

“I’m sorry,” Erwin says. “I should have realized it was too much, Levi. I’m sorry. You won’t have to take it again.”

“I asked you to stop,” Levi says. It comes out very quiet.

“I…” Erwin starts because he doesn’t know what to say to that. Yes, Levi had asked for the cane instead three strikes in, and then he had asked him to stop at seven, but Erwin of course had not expected Levi to enjoy the whip, and at the time he’d thought Levi needed to learn to live with his choices, but he realizes all at once that Levi has never asked him to stop. Not once. Not when Erwin gave him forty strikes for a prank that inadvertently wound up with crates of food in the river, ruined, not when Levi was reduced to barely contained sobs, actually apologizing during it. He’s never asked Erwin to stop. Erwin should have noticed the difference.

“I’m sorry,” Erwin says again. “I should have. I pushed too hard.”

“Yeah,” Levi says.

“Alright, in the future, if you tell me it’s too much, I will stop,” Erwin says.

Levi looks up at him. “Just like that?”

“I trust you not to abuse the privilege,” Erwin says.

Levi looks at him another moment. “Alright.”

Erwin takes a deep breath. “While we’re talking,” he says, “you’ve been getting punishments on purpose. That needs to stop.”

Levi looks at him with a harder expression now, guarded but he’s meeting Erwin’s eyes now. There’s just the slightest bit of confusion there. Erwin has started realizing that when Levi looks suspicious, it is usually because he’s confused.

“You want the punishments,” Erwin says. “You’ve been acting out to get them.”

Levi scoffs. “I am not some child wanting attention,” he says, “and as I said before, I do not _like_ the canings. I can assure you that I don’t enjoy them.” 

“I don’t think you like the pain,” Erwin says. “I think you like the calm that it brings you, and I think you don’t allow yourself to relax enough to actually talk about the things bothering you without it.”

Levi purses his lips for a moment. “And what the hell gave you that thought?” he says.

“You’ve been here more and more often,” Erwin says. “I know you feel better after you leave, that’s very easy to see. And you’ve been getting in trouble for ridiculous, petty infractions.”

“I’m a petty person,” Levi says.

“You are not,” Erwin says, unimpressed. He sighs. “I mean, Levi, stolen boots, shattering glassware, picking ridiculous fights – these are not things you did when you first got here.”

Levi purses his lips again and doesn’t say anything.

“I have a proposition,” Erwin says. “Instead of these disruptive tantrums –”

“I am not a _child_ –” 

“Then what would you like to call them, Levi?” Erwin says.

Levi glares at him.

“Instead of these disruptive _incidents_ ,” Erwin says, “you can just come to me when you’re feeling upset or keyed up or angry, and we can just talk, or, if you like, I can cane you and then we’ll talk.”

Levi scoffs at him. “You want me to volunteer for punishments?”

“Yes,” Erwin says. “When you want to.”

“That’s not going to happen,” Levi says. There’s a defiant confidence in his voice, and Erwin knows right then that Levi, whether he believes it now or not, _will_ come to him.

Erwin keeps his expression neutral though. “As you wish,” he says, “But I am really tired of Flagon’s whining, so please, Levi, if we could stop with the childish outbursts.”

Levi scowls at him.

Erwin doesn’t cane him that day. Clearly this was not an instance of trying to get a punishment on purpose, considering how afraid Levi had been when he’d gotten there. Erwin decides that this one can slide, because he’s not going to cane Levi when he’s that panicked and he’d only just managed to get Levi to calm down.

There are no incidents for a whole three weeks. Then Levi comes in because he’d lost his temper with Flagon and called him a “shit-eating son of a bitch pig” and Flagon had backhanded him again and then Levi threw a punch. Erwin politely asked Flagon to stop hitting the recruits (although he didn’t know of anyone besides Levi that Flagon had hit) and then punished Levi. Levi didn’t display any of the nervous behavior from before, which settled Erwin’s own anxieties.

It is two weeks after that when Erwin comes back to his office and nearly jumps when he finds Levi pacing in it. Levi stops as soon as Erwin shuts the door.

“You win, I want you to cane me,” he says.

“How did you get in here?” Erwin says. The door had been locked.

“Your window doesn’t have a lock,” Levi says. They are on the third floor. Erwin decides this a discussion for another time. Levi glares at him impatiently. “You gonna do it or should I go smash some plates first?”

Erwin walks over to the chest where he keeps the cane. Levi watches his movements, arms crossed over his chest.

“Would you like to tell me what’s bothering you?” Erwin says.

“I would like you to hit me already.”

“Fine then,” Erwin says. Erwin takes the cane and Levi’s eyes are on it. He’s already taken off his gear straps. “How many do you want?”

Levi looks up, a little startled. He looks as if he had not realized there was a possibility that he would get to choose the count. “You want me to choose?”

“You’re not in trouble for anything,” Erwin says, “you’re here because you want to be. So yes, you can choose.”

Levi looks undecided. Erwin waits a couple of moments.

“How many do you need?” Erwin says.

Levi hesitates another second. “Twenty-five,” he says.

Erwin nods.

The least Erwin has ever given him is fifteen, the most forty. Twenty-five is probably the highest he can take comfortably. Erwin usually gives him twenty. The expression on Levi’s face always fills with dread and he goes tense if Erwin says thirty or higher.

The caning goes like any other caning except that Erwin starts talking more. He’s not even sure exactly why he does it, just that there is no reason to remain stoic and stern when Levi hasn’t done anything wrong. So he tells Levi that he’s doing well, that he is taking it well, that he only has ten left, then five left. Instead of just placing a hand on Levi’s back he starts running it slowly up and down when Levi’s shoulders start shaking.

Afterwards Erwin gets tea. Levi leans on the cabinets.

“Are you feeling better?” Erwin says.

Levi nods slowly. He sips his tea. Erwin waits.

“What made you upset?” Erwin says.

Levi fiddles with the cup for a moment. He hesitates. “I haven’t been sleeping,” he says.

“Do you think this will help?” Erwin says.

“Yes,” Levi says.

“Has it been that every time?” Erwin says. “Were the outbursts always because you couldn’t sleep?”

“No,” Levi says, but he doesn’t say more.

Erwin knows it’s coming the next time. He doesn’t know what’s wrong but he sees Levi around the grounds and at training and he’s jittery and snappish. Erwin thinks he might very well get angry and inadvertently wind up in Erwin’s office for a real punishment anyway. He shows up there of his own accord again though. He asks for twenty, and Erwin gives it to him, gets the tea, comes back. It’s an ingrained routine by now.

“You’ve looked a little on edge the past couple days,” Erwin says.

Levi says nothing. Takes a sip of his tea. Erwin is used to these first silences too.

“Did something happen?” Erwin says.

Levi hesitates for a long time this time. Erwin can see him debating in his head and just waits now instead of prompting. Levi turns his head to the side but his eyes slip over to Erwin. “I don’t like filth,” he says. He hesitates another second, and then looks down. “Sometimes it gets bad.”

“Did something happen this time?” Erwin says. He gets the sense that Levi has told very few people this. “Something that wasn’t clean?”

Levi nods slowly. Erwin waits another moment. “I don’t really want to talk about that,” Levi says.

“Okay,” Erwin says. “Will you tell me about how it gets bad?”

The conversation is full of long pauses and hesitations, but Levi tells him, in stilting phrases, that it makes him tense and anxious and, sometimes, panicked. It’s worst when it’s on him, and he won’t relax after a day of training until he’s taken a shower. Being around medical or hospitals or people who are ill is especially difficult.

“Sometimes it’s fine,” Levi says. “Sometimes it gets bad.”

It takes another three months, and then Erwin finds out exactly what _bad_ means.


	2. Cracked Key

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi makes bad choices. Erwin also makes bad choices.  
> On the bright side, this leads to a new understanding.
> 
> *TW this one's a little more intense, please read the tags

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies in advance because I'm not really fixing that cliff hanger - essentially, I had a scene in mind when I wrote that last sentence of the last chapter, but then I decided I didn't like it and scrapped it, and have since been trying to come up with an appropriate replacement scene (which is why this chapter has taken forever). I think I've come up with it finally, but it won't occur until the next chapter. So bad news is no cliff hanger fix, good news is I've now decided this story needs three chapters instead of two. So trade off?
> 
> Anyway, here you go.

After Levi comes to Erwin a handful of times, Levi is once again sent to Erwin for a stupid, childish incident. Sitting in the dining hall, Levi smashes another soldier’s face down into his plate of food, just barely avoiding breaking his nose.

As soon as the officer who brought him in leaves, Erwin fixes a hard stare on Levi. Levi, who is looking pointedly to the side, at the far wall, hands clasped behind his back. He does not look a bit remorseful. Erwin is not pleased.

“If you have an even semi-legitimate reason for this outburst,” Erwin says. “Then you had better speak up now.”

“He pissed me off,” Levi says.

“I thought we talked about the childish outbursts,” Erwin says, “and came to an agreement.”

Levi says nothing. He does not look upset, or angry, in fact it’s more anticipation, and Erwin’s eyes narrow. “You will get thirty-five strikes.”

Levi falters. His eyes snap to attention, wide and still. His mouth parts. “What?”

“I told you that I did not want any more of these incidents,” Erwin says. “So unless there is an actual explanation for this behavior, you are getting thirty-five strikes.”

Levi’s eyes start darting again, his mouth open, obviously trying to come up with some plausible story of how he’d actually been baited into smashing the soldier’s face down on the table, more than just some offhand comment. If the soldier had actually said something very upsetting, upsetting enough that Levi would lose his temper, then while Erwin would be disappointed, he would only give Levi twenty, maybe twenty-five strikes. But Erwin is pretty sure Levi simply got irritated and used it as an excuse to come see Erwin, and Erwin is not happy about that. The extra ten strikes makes a very big difference.

“I’m sorry,” Levi says.

“Start taking off your gear,” Erwin says. He gets up to get the cane.

“Erwin,” Levi says. Erwin looks back and there is something very close to pleading in Levi’s expression.

“I have told you once already that if you are not feeling well or you are upset about something then you are to come to me, not take it out on your fellow soldiers,” Erwin says. “Are you saying that that’s not what this was?”

Levi shifts slightly. He does look a little guilty now. Erwin waits, but Levi says nothing, so Erwin turns again to go get the cane.

When he finishes retrieving it he turns around to see Levi unbuckling the straps of his harness slowly. Erwin waits for him to finish undoing the top portion, so that it hangs from the belt at his waist. Levi walks over to the desk, unbuckles his pants, and pushes them down before leaning over the desk, head settled between his arms.

Erwin starts. Levi counts. The first ten go by smoothly, the next ten much less so. After they hit number twenty Erwin starts going much easier with the hits, but by then even light hits are very painful. Levi flinches and groans with every one. Beyond twenty-five he has very little control over his reactions. His face goes red and Erwin sees tears forming in the corners of his eyes, his voice watery and cracking, pained noises with every strike.

“T-twenty-seven,” Levi says, turning away from Erwin, hands balled to fists, knees bending too much.

“Knees straight,” Erwin says, when Levi doesn’t move back after several moments. Levi corrects himself after another hesitation. He swings the cane again.

“Fuckfuckshit,” Levi gasps in a single breath. “Twe…” He breathes raggedly. “Twenty-eight.”

“You’re doing fine,” Erwin says. He has a steady hand on Levi’s back again, light.

“Ngh,” Levi says. He yells when Erwin brings the cane down again. “ _Fuck_ ,” he says. “Twe’nine.” Erwin gives another strike. “ _Thirty_ ,” Levi says. “Fucking thirty, damnit Erwin.” Levi shifts again, presses his forehead into the wood. “I’m fucking _sorry_.”

“Five more,” Erwin says.

“Come on,” Levi says. “ _Erwin_.” It sounds nearly like a _please_.

“Five more,” Erwin repeats. He gives the next one.

Levi lets out a frustrated, pained yell through his teeth, gritted harshly. “ _Thirty-one_.” His breathing has ramped up and gone so shallow that it sounds painful.

“You’re fine,” Erwin says calmly, giving Levi a moment to breathe, pausing to rub a circle over Levi’s back. “Only four more.”

“ _Hurts_.” His voice is so rough that it’s little more than a growl, angry and harsh sounding.

There’s something vulnerable and yet very aggressive about the way Levi says it. He’s never admitted to the pain before, not so directly. Erwin can’t decide how he feels about that. It’s both unsettling coming from Levi and somehow makes him feel good, that Levi trusts him enough to be this way with him (albeit, only when he’s pushed this far). Erwin’s given him as many strikes before though and Levi’s never done this.

“Breathe,” Erwin says. He gives Levi one more moment before giving the next strike.

“Gah,” Levi says. He pants harshly for another couple moments before he can speak. “Thirty-t-two.” Erwin brings it down again. “Thirty-three,” Levi says, voice cracking. He moves his hand suddenly, like he’s about to try to block the next strike or grab at Erwin, but his hand only moves about six inches before it abruptly stops again, before Levi clenches his fingers and moves it back in front of him.

When Erwin gives him the next strike, Levi lets out a pained noise, again, but says nothing, gasping. Erwin gives him a moment. “Number,” he says afterwards. Erwin only gets another gritted-teeth sound of pain in response. Levi turns his head away from him. Erwin sees the muscles of his back and shoulders tensing. “Levi, you really do not want to have to start over from the beginning right now,” Erwin says. There’s only one strike more for God’s sake, Erwin thinks. Now is not the moment to be stubborn.

“Thir… thirty-four,” Levi gets out.

Erwin gives him the last one. It’s a little harder than the previous ones, and Levi yells again.

“Motherfucking shit, thirty- _fucking_ -five.”

“Good,” Erwin says, running another couple circles over Levi’s back while Levi calms down, gasping. Then he moves away again. “I’ll be right back,” he says.

He goes and prepares tea as he always does. He makes sure to give Levi time to redress and compose himself – he always makes sure he’s gone for at least ten minutes, though he tries not to be absent for much longer than that either. When he comes back this time, Levi is in his characteristic spot leaning on the cabinets. He still looks a little disheveled this time. His eyes are the slightest bit red and his face still looks somewhat blotchy.

Erwin hands him tea before pulling over his chair and sitting down across from Levi. Levi looks at the tea for a moment but doesn’t take a drink yet. It’s still quite hot.

“Would you really have started over again?” Levi says. He looks up to meet Erwin’s eyes after he says it.

“Yes,” Erwin says. “Only if you refuse to say the numbers though, not if you momentarily forget.”

“That would have been seventy hits,” Levi says. Erwin can’t place his expression. It’s oddly calm and yet disbelieving. It makes him look almost sad, or withdrawn, which sets off alarm bells in Erwin’s head. “I’d never make it through seventy fucking hits, Erwin.”

“They’d be much, much lighter,” Erwin says. He knows Levi’s limit must lie somewhere in the 40-50 range. He’s taken forty before, but it’s the most Erwin will ever give him. If Erwin did have to start over, they would have been little more than taps – just enough to make the previous welts sting all over again. It would be about prolonging the experience then, not adding significant pain. He has no doubt it would still be very painful.

“Hm,” Levi says. He looks skeptical, and there’s a touch of something fearful.

“I would stop if you told me it was too much,” Erwin says.

“Mm,” Levi says, but his expression doesn’t change very much. He takes a sip of tea.

Erwin waits a moment. Levi’s eyes slip down again, and it’s that same withdrawn, almost despondent look. Erwin frowns. “Levi,” he says carefully, “was this too much?”

Levi glances up again, surprise on his face now. “No,” he says. His expression morphs again. “Why would you ask that, you’ve given me as many before.”

“You look upset,” Erwin says.

Something flickers in Levi’s eyes – surprise? Indecision? He says nothing, and he doesn’t look away.

“What’s been going on?” Erwin says.

Levi opens his mouth, but then he closes it again. His brow furrows slightly and he looks at the floor.

“It’s not the cleaning?” Erwin says after a few moments.

Levi shakes his head.

“Insomnia?”

He shrugs in a dismissive manner.

“Has someone been bothering you?” Erwin says. “Did anything happen?”

“No,” Levi says. He runs a hand through his hair and his shoulders droop a little more.

“But you don’t feel well?” Erwin says slowly.

Levi hesitates. “Yeah.”

“Why’d you knock the soldier’s head into the table?” Erwin says.

Levi shrugs. “Felt like it.” Erwin frowns deeply, but Levi’s already continuing. “Yeah, I know, I won’t take it out on other people anymore.” Levi pauses. “He was being a dick though.”

“Is there a reason that you did that instead of just coming to me?” Erwin says.

Levi shrugs again. “He was there?”

Erwin asks a few more probing questions which are all met with shrugs and vague answers. He can’t manage to pinpoint what it is this time that has Levi upset, and suspects it is not any one thing at all. Levi leaves when he finishes his tea and Erwin is left to frown at the closed door, trying to piece together what’s going on in Levi’s head.

While on a mission outside the walls, Levi disobeys a direct order from Flagon. He is told to stay back, and he does not stay back, and in doing so leaves a newer recruit by himself. A second titan comes up behind the first. The recruit lives, but will be spending months recovering from injuries, and it’s unclear if he will recover well enough to remain in the Corps or if he will be permanently disabled. He got crushed in a titan’s grip before Levi made it back in time to cut the titan’s nape.

Erwin is furious.

Flagon wants him publicly whipped. Flagon wants him confined to the cells for two weeks. For as much as Erwin dislikes him, Flagon does care about his soldiers a great deal, and he is a very competent leader. But Flagon had pawned Levi’s punishments off on Erwin months earlier, and he does not get to suddenly take over again after all this time. Erwin tells him that he will take care of it.

He’s not going to whip Levi again and he’s not going to lock him in the cells, but he’s not entirely sure what he is going to do, just knows that he is going to make sure that this _never happens again_. Erwin catches him while they’re still outside the wall. “You will come to my office immediately when we get back,” he says, and doesn’t wait to hear a response.

Levi comes by himself. It’s almost odd, because Levi never comes by himself when he’s actually in trouble for something. Flagon always either brings him in or sends someone else to escort him. Erwin doesn’t know if it’s because Levi has come of his own free will or if Flagon’s so angry that he’d sent him off this time. Erwin doesn’t ask.

“What the hell were you thinking?” Erwin says when Levi comes in, shutting the door behind him. He looks at the floor, shoulders tense. “What the hell did you think you were doing?”

“I’m sorry,” Levi says.

“I would hope so,” Erwin says.

Levi flinches.

“You are lucky he isn’t dead,” Erwin says. “You are so, so lucky that he is not dead, Levi. He still may be crippled for life. Do you understand?”

“Yes, Erwin,” Levi says.

“Get your gear off,” Erwin says. He walks around his desk and retrieves the cane, moves quickly back around again. Levi’s not moving though. He’s looking up at Erwin, one hand on the buckle across his chest. “ _Now_ , Levi,” Erwin says, irritation adding to the anger he already feels.

“Erwin –” Levi starts.

“I don’t want to hear it,” Erwin says. “You could have killed a man today, Levi. I don’t want to hear excuses, now get your damn gear off _now_.”

“I’m sorry,” Levi says, “I –”

“Get your _goddamned_ gear off right _now_ , Levi,” Erwin says. “So help me God, do not make me tell you again.”

Levi stops. His expression morphs to anger, defiance. “No,” he says.

Erwin does not lose his temper often. He has learned to always be calm and in control. But Levi nearly killed someone, through pure arrogance and disobedience, and now has the audacity to tell him _no_. He is not pleased.

Erwin strides over in two steps and grabs Levi by the arm, dragging him forward. Levi’s hands come up to grip at his wrist, pulling against the hold, his eyes going venomous.

“Let me the fuck go,” Levi says. “Erwin, let me _fucking_ go.”

“I asked you several times,” Erwin says, pulling him towards the desk. Levi digs his fingernails into Erwin’s wrist and Erwin hisses and lets go.

Levi takes two steps back, eyes wild. “Calm the fuck down,” he says. “I’m not doing a fucking thing until you calm the fuck down.”

“You have no right to tell me to do anything,” Erwin says. “Do you have any idea what you’ve done? Do you really not grasp the severity of what could have happened, of what has happened?”

“Of course I fucking do,” Levi says. The words are hissed this time.

“Then I will tell you one more time, Levi. Get your gear off and get your ass over here,” Erwin says.

“No,” Levi says, louder this time, angry and defiant and something off kilter.

Erwin feels a surge of anger. The audacity, the arrogance, and they have grown close but Erwin is still his superior and if there was ever a time for Levi to realize that his actions deserved consequences it was now.

Levi is quick, but Erwin grabs his arm a second time, before he can back up. He registers that Levi isn’t fighting the way he could be, that he just grips his wrist again, teeth bared, like before. Erwin hauls him forward and then pushes him over his desk. He switches his grip to the back of Levi’s neck and pushes him downwards, so Levi’s face is pressed to his desk.

“Let me fucking go,” Levi says. “Get the fuck off me.” He tries to twist but Erwin presses on his neck. He has the cane in his other hand still. He brings it down against Levi’s ass, though he’s still in his uniform. He hits hard and Levi gasps anyway.

“Let _go_ ,” Levi says, as Erwin brings it down again. “Erwin – fucking _stop_. Get off me.” Erwin brings the cane down in rapid succession, feeling Levi jerk under his hand, letting out a yell between his teeth. His hands claw at the desk. “Stop – fucking – it’s too _much_ , it’s too fucking much, _stop_ , Erwin.”

The panic in Levi’s voice suddenly rings very, very clear.

Erwin stops. He stops, and there’s a pause in which he hears Levi’s harsh breathing, hears his own heartbeat in his ears, and then he let’s go of Levi’s neck, takes a step back.

Erwin feels a harsh and sudden chill, feels the anger drain in a sudden pull. Levi straightens and takes a step away from him in the same moment. His eyes meet Erwin’s for only a second. Erwin’s body goes cold. Levi’s eyes are distant, almost unfocused, scared and surprised, defensive. They stay that way only for a moment though before they go bright with anger.

Levi steps forward only to shove Erwin away. Erwin stumbles a step backwards, Levi already turning. He’s out the door a moment later, slamming it behind him.

Erwin sits in his office. He sits and thinks and after a bit puts his head in his hands, elbows braced against his desk.

He should not have gotten angry like that, violent like that. He’d utterly lost his temper, and he’s ashamed at his own actions, and more ashamed that he didn’t realize he was crossing a line until Levi told him directly. Erwin knows he should not have gotten that angry, knows that he owes Levi an apology, but he also knows that he cannot let this go. He can’t decide if he should come up with a different punishment. If it were anyone else, he would do as Flagon suggested and have them thrown in a cell for a week or two, but with everything Levi’s told and shown him about his cleaning compulsions, Erwin thinks it would be very cruel. Erwin gets up again and starts to pace.

It is only about an hour later when Erwin’s door opens again. Erwin looks up, surprised, when Levi walks in. He enters slowly, his expression guarded. Erwin stops walking, stays over near his desk. Levi shuts the door behind him but stays near it.

“I didn’t think you’d be back today,” Erwin says.

“Are you calm now?” Levi says. “You’re not going to freak out again?”

“I’m calm,” Erwin says. He’s still angry, but it’s a mixed anger and concern and shame, guilt at the way he’d acted. He’d handled it badly. “I’m sorry for losing my temper,” Erwin says.

Levi eyes him. He takes a step farther into the room. “I know I fucked up,” he says. He clenches his hands. “I can’t do it like that.”

“Like that?” Erwin says.

“You ever have someone beat you, Erwin?” Levi says.

His expression is completely blank. Erwin feels something in his stomach turn and he knows already that he doesn’t want to follow this conversation.

“Have someone beat you, to punish you, while they’re angry and out of control?” Levi says.

His eyes are so guarded, Erwin thinks. His stomach sinks further, and he realizes then that he’s managed to push them two steps backwards again. That the trust he’s spent the past several months building has taken a blow.

“There’s been a couple men have beaten me like that,” Levi says.

“I’m sorry,” Erwin says. “I didn’t mean to scare you. I’m sorry for it, Levi. I won’t lose my temper again. You have my word.”

“I won’t do it again,” Levi says, expression unchanged, still hard. “I won’t let anyone do that to me again, got it?”

Erwin’s skin prickles at the rudeness in a way he is usually able to ignore with Levi. He takes a long breath though. This is no different. Levi’s brash nature has always been defensive when he speaks with Erwin like this.

“I won’t try,” Erwin says. “As I said, you have my word.”

“Good,” Levi says. He looks downwards and starts working at the buckles of his gear.

“Levi,” Erwin says. Levi grunts but doesn’t look up and doesn’t stop. “I am willing to postpone your punishment until tomorrow.”

While Erwin is not going to lose his temper again, he keeps seeing the fear in Levi’s eyes when he’d stopped hitting him with the cane, can see even now the hunch of Levi’s shoulders. He doesn’t want to scare Levi. He has never wanted to scare or intimidate Levi with the punishments – that has never been his goal, and he does not want it to happen now. He’s still angry, still very upset with Levi for his actions, but he never wants to see that look of panic in Levi’s eyes directed at him ever again.

Levi looks up sharply, meets his eyes. They’re wide with something newly nervous, before narrowing in suspicion.

“You gonna freak out again if you do it now?” he says.

“No,” Erwin says quickly. “No, I promise that will not happen again. I… I want to give you a break, if you need it. I… I don’t want to scare you again, Levi.”

Levi lets out a huff of breath and then he rolls his eyes. Erwin’s eyebrows raise in surprise. “I took a break,” Levi says. “I’m fine.” He looks down again at the buckles for a moment before looking back up, his eyes sharp but open. “Don’t make me wait, Erwin.”

There’s something almost desperate there and for the first time since Levi first walked into Erwin’s office an hour ago, Erwin sees guilt in his eyes as well.

“Alright,” Erwin says.

Levi takes the gear off. He moves quickly this time. Erwin watches him carefully. The familiar tension and apprehension start filtering into his movements, but he doesn’t appear nervous really. Erwin watches for anything off but doesn’t see it. Levi moves over and bends over the desk as he usually does.

“You’ll get forty,” Erwin says.

Levi tenses but just lets out a breath. “I assumed.”

They go through the first twenty before Levi does more than state the numbers and let out growls and grunts of pain. He doesn’t swear the whole time, which is very, very odd. His voice shakes and gasps but he says nothing but the numbers. Erwin finds it somewhat worrying, but doesn’t let up. Levi knows by now that if it’s too much he can say so – clearly Erwin will stop if he does.

Erwin brings the cane down on what will be twenty-two when Levi lets out a stuttering groan and clenches his hands to fists at the sides of his head. “You’re fucking hitting harder than normal,” Levi says.

It has something relaxing in Erwin’s chest, because even though the pain in Levi’s voice is clear, there is a distinct defiant, derisive edge to it. “You committed an infraction worse than normal,” Erwin says calmly. He smooths a hand over Levi’s back though and sees Levi’s shoulders relax marginally. He doesn’t want Levi to think that he’s hitting harder out of uncontrolled anger. It is very deliberate. “Number,” he says.

“Twenty-two,” Levi says, almost grumbles.

They go through a few more and Levi starts shifting and swearing with them again. He’s losing control sooner than usual because Erwin hasn’t lightened the hits like he normally would by this point. He’s paying attention though. He remembers the way Levi looked and sounded when Erwin whipped him – Levi’s not showing the distress he had then.

Levi screams through his teeth, presses his forehead into the desk. “Gah… tw…” he cuts off, another pained noise coming through his teeth. It ends in something startlingly close to a whimper. “Twen’y-eight,” he says.

The next strike is met with a similar reaction, except this time his voice is fast and loud, “I’m fucking sorry, I get it, I won’t do it again.” His shoulders shake.

“Good,” Erwin says. “Number.”

Levi lets out a harsh gasp. He makes a movement which could be him shaking his head, and Erwin frowns.

“I _will_ start over, Levi.”

“Twenty-nine,” Levi says. Erwin brings the cane down again. “Fucking… _fuck_ , thirty.” Erwin gives him another and Levi turns his head to the side, bringing his arms in, head cradled between them instead now. “Th-thirty-one,” Levi says, “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry, Erwin, let _up_.”

“You’re doing fine,” Erwin says, hand still against the center of Levi’s back.

Erwin sees Levi’s hands tighten around the sleeves of his shirt, gripping his opposite forearms so tightly his knuckles go white. “It _hurts_ ,” Levi says. His voice cracks. “I get it, I hurt that kid, I fucked up, I didn’t listen, I should have been there, I won’t fucking do it again – just fucking let up, I _got it_ already.”

His voice goes watery and shakes and Erwin draws another calm circle over his back with his hand.

“I know you don’t like Flagon, and I know you don’t respect him,” Erwin says. “But he is a good soldier, and he is a good squad leader, and he wouldn’t have been promoted otherwise. You have only been on a handful of expeditions so far, and it is beyond arrogant of you to assume you know better than him. You cannot disobey him, or anyone else, like that outside the walls. You are lucky no one died because of your actions.”

“I _know_ ,” Levi says. “I fucking know.” Erwin hears grief and guilt in the words rather than pain this time.

“Good,” Erwin says. “You have nine more.”

Erwin doesn’t let up. He’d decreased the strength of the hits by a bit already and he doesn’t decrease them more. Erwin’s not sure when Levi starts crying, but it’s clear by thirty-five that he is. His voice wavers and cracks and despite his efforts, a few sobs break through. He reminds Levi to breathe a couple of times, when his gasping grows painful sounding, and Erwin actually begins to grow concerned that he may pass out if he keeps it up. He waits for Levi to tell him it’s too much, but he doesn’t. Erwin finishes the forty hits.

He gives Levi a moment, running circles over his back while Levi groans in pain and gasps, tense and shaking, for a bit longer before he slowly starts to relax. Then Erwin removes his hand, opens his mouth.

“Don’t,” Levi says, head still down, so Erwin can’t see his face. “Just –” He cuts himself off.

Erwin pauses, and then he puts his hand back and resumes rubbing circles there, smooth and calm, while Levi’s shoulders slowly untense and his panting breath calms, fists unclenching. After a couple minutes he says quietly, “Okay.”

“I’ll get the tea now?” Erwin says. Levi rises onto his elbows, and nods, head still tilted down.

Erwin gets the tea. When he comes back Levi is in his usual spot by the cabinets. Erwin hands him his tea. His eyes are red and his face still a little blotchy, pain still clear in his expression. He’s not going to be very comfortable for several days this time. It’s lucky that they get a couple days off after each expedition beyond the walls, because he won’t be moving very well. He looks exhausted too.

“Why didn’t you listen to Flagon?” Erwin says.

Levi looks down. His arms tense and Erwin notes it. “I was being stupid,” Levi says.

Erwin waits. Levi says nothing. “Why though?” Erwin says.

“I don’t know,” Levi says. “I… I wanted to kill it. I hadn’t killed any yet this trip.”

Erwin is surprised. He thinks maybe he shouldn’t be. “Why did you want to kill it?”

“I always want to kill them,” Levi says. Erwin watches his hands and arms tense again, his expression go tight and angry. “I want to kill them all.” He speaks again before Erwin can say anything. “Yes, I know – I know it was stupid and I can’t act like that and I won’t fucking do it again.”

Erwin frowns though. It… doesn’t sound like Levi. Erwin has seen him fight. He has an icy, calculated demeanor, more calm in killing titans than any other soldier Erwin’s seen, save maybe Mike. Levi grows angry quickly and explosively, but sporadically. Levi only behaves stupidly or impulsively in two scenarios, one of them being when he’s angry, and Erwin doesn’t think he was angry, despite what Levi says about wanting to kill them. Levi is most dangerous when he’s calm, when he’s thinking clearly, and the titans have a way of bringing out Levi’s dangerous side.

“You were restless,” Erwin says. Levi behaves this way when he loses his temper or when he grows agitated and restless, bothered by something.

Levi shrugs. “I guess.”

“You didn’t feel well even before we left the walls, did you?” Erwin says. He hadn’t noticed Levi looking off, but Erwin is always very busy before a trip outside the walls.

Levi looks down at his tea and shrugs again before taking a sip.

“What happened?” Erwin says.

Levi fidgets slightly, still looking downwards. “Had a bad night.”

“A bad night?”

Levi nods.

“What do you mean?”

Levi clenches his left hand, and Erwin’s eyes are drawn to the movement. His knuckles are scraped, Erwin realizes. He looks at Levi’s other hand and sees the same thing. Erwin hadn’t noticed before, but now that he sees, he wonders how he could have missed it (he supposes he was just that angry) – they are raw, cracked and scabbed over, bright red in places.

“You got in a fight?” Erwin says.

“No.”

“No?”

“No.”

“Your knuckles are scraped,” Erwin says, frowning. He doesn’t know why Levi would lie to him.

But Levi looks sharply to the side, eyes on the wall. He clenches his hand again. “It’s… it’s the cleaning.” Erwin frowns, waits, confused. Levi finally looks over at him and meets his eyes again. “I wash my hands ‘til they bleed,” Levi says.

Erwin’s stomach drops. “Oh, Levi,” he says.

Levi clenches his teeth and looks away again. “Had a bad night,” he says again. “Couldn’t get clean. It… I don’t know.”

“Why didn’t you come to me?” Erwin says.

“It was one in the fucking morning, Erwin,” Levi says.

“Afterwards then?”

“Too late. Was only a day before we left.”

“Not the morning of though?”

“No, the day before.”

“There was time then,” Erwin says.

“I can’t have you cane me the day before we go outside the walls,” Levi says. “It won’t have healed any – it’ll hurt like hell and I won’t fight as well because of it.”

“You could still have come seen me,” Erwin says. “We could have talked.”

“Talking doesn’t help,” Levi says.

“That’s not true at all,” Erwin says. “We always talk afterwards. I know it helps you.”

Levi says nothing.

“I want you to come to me the night before expeditions from now on,” Erwin says.

Levi’s eyes sharpen. “What?”

“We can’t have a repeat of this,” Erwin says. “I want you to come see me before every expedition, so we can talk and I can help if you’re not feeling well.”

“Bullshit,” Levi says, shoulders tensing. “I just said, there’s not anything you can fucking do, Erwin. And I won’t do it again. I won’t endanger someone like that again, I’ll listen.”

“I believe you,” Erwin says, “but that doesn’t negate the fact that if you aren’t feeling well, if you are restless and agitated, you are not going to fight as well.”

“You do this for all your subordinates?” Levi says drily. “You think I’m the only one who fights worse when I’m feeling shit?”

“No, of course not,” Erwin says.

“Then why the hell waste time on just me?” Levi says.

Erwin looks back at him, at his sharp grey eyes with his own hard expression. “It’s not a waste of time,” Erwin says. “And you know why, Levi. Not all lives in the Survey Corps have equal worth. It’s a sad and unfortunate fact, but it’s true, and Levi, your life is worth more than every other person here. You know you are our best soldier. We need you more than we need others, so you are absolutely worth the time.”

He pauses, and Levi looks thrown off by this, though Erwin’s not sure why. He knows that Levi, while almost oddly not self-important or egotistic, knows very well that he is the best soldier they have, and by a wide margin which Erwin predicts will only become wider with time.

“That, and I thought by now it would be quite obvious that I care for you, Levi,” Erwin says. “I don’t want to see you suffer, and I will always help if I can.”

Levi eyes him over the rim of his cup, through his fingers, as he takes another sip of his tea. His expression is guarded, almost suspicious.

“Alright,” he says.


	3. Door Handles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi has a couple of bad days. This chapter goes a bit heavier on the OCD/anxiety/panic attacks than other chapters, as a warning. There is some really mild self-harm here as well. 
> 
> Levi also makes an interesting discovery.

A few weeks later, not even a full month, Erwin comes back to his office to find Levi pacing, frantic, and has to pause as he enters.

Levi turns to him, stopping suddenly, and his eyes are wild, unhinged. There’s clear panic there but it is harsher than mindless fear, too pointed. It all catches Erwin off guard – when Levi comes to him on his own, he’s usually restless and a bit anxious, but never like this. There’s something uncontrolled in his demeanor.

“I want forty,” Levi says. His harness is already off. He stands straight in front of Erwin, a challenging expression slipping over his face even as it does nothing to hide the panic and desperation underneath.

Erwin’s frown deepens the longer he stands there, the more he takes in. Levi has never asked for more than twenty-five strikes. “Levi –” Erwin starts.

“I want forty,” Levi says again, harder, more impatient. He moves aside, looking pointedly at the chest where Erwin keeps the cane.

“What’s wrong?” Erwin says, trying to sound calm. “What’s happened?”

“Erwin, get the fucking cane,” Levi says.

“Levi,” Erwin says a little harder. He is about to continue when he catches sight of Levi’s hands and his voice runs silent.

Levi’s knuckles are all bleeding and his fingers and hands are raw red – the irritated skin continues up his wrists to his elbows as well, where Levi has his sleeves rolled up. Erwin glances back up at Levi’s face again and notices now that his skin looks irritated and a little too pink there as well.

Erwin knows that Levi said that this helped him, that caning helped him deal with the anxiety and compulsion around cleaning, but Levi has never asked for so many strikes before – forty – he’s only taken so many twice before, the last one only a month earlier. He has always asked for either twenty or twenty-five. The request combined with the panicked, unstable energy Levi is exuding has a bad feeling settling in Erwin’s stomach.

“I want forty,” Levi says again. “Erwin I want the fucking forty hits.”

Desperation leaks into his voice, and Erwin sees it plainly in his eyes. He goes to get the cane and when he’s come back Levi’s already shoving down his pants and bending over the desk.

“We’ll start with twenty-five,” Erwin says, going to Levi’s side, next to the desk.

“I want –”

“We’ll start with twenty-five,” Erwin says, “and if you want more after that, then I will give it to you.” Levi says nothing, so Erwin starts.

He only gets to eleven.

At first, Erwin thinks it’s just because Levi’s so worked up, so upset and anxious, the way his voice shakes from the very beginning, how he fidgets and struggles to contain himself even in the first ten hits, which usually go by with relative stoicism. Erwin thinks it’s just because Levi is panicked and restless, but then he barely gets the numbers nine and ten out, and at eleven he lets out a distressed, pained noise.

Levi sucks in air and is silent for only a beat before another hitched noise of pain and fear comes out of his mouth, through his teeth. He presses his forehead into the table and fists his hands, turning his head slightly away from Erwin, shoulders shaking. Another single beat of silence, like he’s trying to gather himself, before that resolve cracks too and he nearly sobs.

Erwin’s brow furrows in concern and he pauses. He’s put his hand onto Levi’s back almost without realizing. “Levi, do you need to stop?” he says.

Levi’s shoulders shake, and then with another hitching, teeth-gritted, held in sob, he nods.

“Okay,” Erwin says. He places the cane on his desk and keeps his other hand on Levi’s back. “We’re all done.”

Erwin stays like that for another moment, Levi taking in long breaths. “It doesn’t – it doesn’t feel good,” Levi says, his head still down, arms still braced against the desk.

“We’ll stop then,” Erwin says.

Levi bangs his fist hard against the desk, the noise loud and abrupt in Erwin’s office. “It’s not _helping_ ,” he says. Then Levi straightens and pulls his pants up in one motion, fingers shaking as he buttons them again. “Nothing’s fucking helping.”

He looks up at Erwin again, and the desperation has doubled, and he looks at Erwin like he is drowning and cannot see any way to shore.

“It’s alright,” Erwin says, reaching out again, putting a hand on Levi’s shoulder. “What happened?”

“It’s the – I can’t, I can’t fucking think, I can’t–”

“Deep breaths,” Erwin says.

Levi ignores him. He shakes his head, holds out his hands, eyes darting around. “Lunch was rotten. Half the soldiers are sick. They’re all puking their guts up and shitting everywhere and I can’t fucking breathe –”

“Are you sick?” Erwin says. He frowns. He’s been in meetings all day, and the officers have a separate kitchen, so he wouldn’t have gotten sick from it himself, unless the food was contaminated in both.

“No,” Levi says, “not _yet_. I could be.”

“But you’re not,” Erwin says, “did you eat lunch the same time as everyone else?”

“Yes, but –”

“Then if you were going to get sick you would have already.”

“That’s not the point,” Levi says. “I still ate some of it, was still eating there, and now everyone’s fucking sick and it’s all over the fucking place and –”

Erwin lets go of Levi’s shoulder to pull out a chair by his desk. “I want you to sit down and take some deep breaths,” he says.

Levi scowls at him even as his eyes keep darting around, as he fidgets anxiously. “I don’t want to fucki-”

“Sit down,” Erwin says. “Deep breaths.”

Levi lets out an annoyed noise and sits heavily in the chair, crossing his arms and tapping his foot.

“Deep breaths,” Erwin says.

Levi huffs and takes a slightly longer breath.

“Slower.”

“Fucking hell,” Levi says, but he takes a slower, longer breath this time. He takes a few more after that.

Erwin pulls over a second chair and sits across from Levi, only a couple feet apart. “You’re not ill,” Erwin says, calm, steady, straightforward. “You didn’t get ill from it. You’re not sick, you’re not dirty – you are healthy and clean.”

Levi grits his teeth, looks like he’s going to spit something back but just looks away instead. He crosses his arms in front of him and Erwin’s eyes are once again drawn to his hands, before Levi moves them again, restlessly putting them on his knees, fingers digging into the fabric of his pants for a moment, and then he’s shifting to one elbow on his knee, and then sitting up straight again a moment later – it goes on, Levi constantly shifting and fidgeting.

“Your office is fucking filthy,” Levi says.

Erwin would disagree, but he merely pauses. “Would you like to clean my office, Levi?” he says.

He is expecting either a resolute yes or an irritated, sneering no, but instead Levi puts both elbows against his knees and puts his head in his hands, fingers carding roughly through his hair. Erwin can’t see Levi’s face with the way his head hangs down, but he watches the muscles in Levi’s arms tense and his fingers curl in his hair as he shakes his head.

“Nothing’s – fucking – _helping_ ,” Levi says to the floor, voice shaking and rough. “I want to tear off my own skin.”

Erwin looks at his fingers again and thinks that he’s already made a start on that effort, and he feels a growing helplessness in his stomach – Erwin doesn’t know how to help Levi, doesn’t know how to ease any of his anxiety and doesn’t know how to comfort him either. He tries to keep the uncertainty out of his voice though, out of his expression. It won’t help for him to be anything but calm and supporting.

“What can I do, Levi?” Erwin says.

“I don’t fucking know,” Levi says. “I came here for you to hit me, and it’s not – I don’t know why it’s not – I can’t fucking think – it felt – it felt awful, it feels –”

He cuts off – Erwin’s never heard Levi ramble like this before. It’s alarming, really. Erwin shifts slightly, frowns. “How about I get you some tea,” Erwin says.

“I don’t want any tea,” Levi says. “I don’t want – I want this to fucking –” Levi lets out a ragged breath, fingers curled, pushing through his hair.

“Deeper breaths,” Erwin says. “Slower.”

“Fuck you, fuck –”

“It will help,” Erwin says, just as calmly, “I promise it will help, but you have to slow your breathing down.”

Levi makes a noise of frustration, still doesn’t look up from where he’s hunched over, though he takes in a longer breath – still too fast, but not as shallow.

Erwin pulls his chair a little closer and then reaches out, puts his hand on Levi’s back and starts rubbing circles there. “That’s better,” he says. “Just focus on breathing, taking slower, deeper breaths.”

Levi does. His breathing gets a bit better, but he keeps trembling.

“What did you do the last time something like this happened?” Erwin says after a minute or so.

“Got drunk, picked a fight,” Levi says. “Let them get in a few good hits, threw a guy through a window.”

Erwin grimaces. “What did your friends do to help you?” he tries.

Levi tenses, and Erwin worries he’s made a mistake, that he should never have brought them up, but then Levi shrugs. “Like I was sick,” he says, almost mumbled.

“What?” Erwin says.

“Like I was sick, they acted like I was sick – blankets, made soup, tea. Read a book.”

“Did that help?”

Levi shrugs again. “I don’t know.”

“Would it help if we left the base, went for a walk along the forest?”

“No. Maybe.”

“Would you rather try to rest?” Erwin says. “You can lie down, try to sleep. I’ll make tea.”

Levi lets out an abrupt, sharp laugh. “I won’t sleep tonight. I probably won’t sleep tomorrow night either.”

Erwin tries to control his expression, not to let his frown deepen the way it wants to. “Perhaps I’ll talk to Hange about a sleeping drought,” he says. And then his face brightens. “Actually, I bet Hange has something that would help you to feel better.”

“Shitty Glasses?” Levi says.

“Yes, she has a wide array of supplements in her lab.”

“Thought her thing was titan research.”

“Yes, but we’re not able to actually conduct very much research,” Erwin says. “She went through a phase where she thought she might concoct some kind of titan poison, but it didn’t pan out. In the process she procured or made dozens of different known substances, both remedies and poisons. She might have something that could help.”

Levi looks doubtful, but Erwin stands and then leaves the room, headed for Hange’s office. Levi follows behind him, muttering something that Erwin doesn’t hear but is positive involves a not small amount of swearing.

Erwin knocks on Hange’s office door. He hears a shout and something crashing from inside and pushes it open.

“Hange?” he says. Hange pops up behind her desk, placing a stack of papers onto it.

“Erwin!” she says. “Come to review my schematics for the titan catapult I was telling you about?”

“Not at the moment,” Erwin says. Levi gives him a pointed glare which he ignores. Instead, Erwin gestures at Levi. “Levi’s not feeling well. I was wondering if you had anything for insomnia, preferably something that helps induce calm.”

The glare Levi is shooting at him narrows some more. Hange’s face brightens though. “Oh, let me see,” she says, turning quickly.

She goes to the back of the room to a bookcase lined with different bottles and jars. She picks one up, squints at a label on it, and then shakes it vigorously for a few moments. After, she opens it up and peers inside, before screwing the lid back on and striding back over. She holds it out to Levi with a grin.

“Two teaspoons to relax, four to sleep – don’t take it before training or missions or anything where you’ll be using maneuver gear and don’t take more than eight teaspoons a day. You shouldn’t take it every day though. Try to keep it to a couple times a week.”

Levi takes it from her skeptically. He looks into the jar, which contains a dark, viscous liquid, similar in appearance to molasses. “This looks disgusting,” he says.

“It doesn’t taste good, but it works better than anything else I’ve managed to find,” Hange says. “If you want something less potent than there’s a couple of herbal teas I can recommend, but this works the best.”

“Hm,” Levi says. “I’ll bring it back tomorrow.”

She puts up a hand. “Don’t bother, I need to make more anyway,” she says. At Levi’s frown, she continues. “You’re not the only one who has trouble sleeping, Shorty.”

Levi scowls at her while Erwin thanks Hange for the medicine, ushering Levi out the door. They stop in the kitchen and Erwin starts making tea while Levi finds a teaspoon to measure out the liquid. He eyes it distastefully as a glop drips from the spoon back to the jar. “How do I know this isn’t poison?” he says.

“Some medicines are derived from poisonous plants,” Erwin says.

Levi shoots him another look.

Erwin shrugs. “I really doubt Hange is out to get you, Levi.”

Levi makes a noise in his throat and then puts the spoon in his mouth. His face screws up and he lets out a couple hacking coughs.

“This is disgusting,” he says, after taking two teaspoons and then drinking an entire glass of water. “Tastes like sewage mixed with rotting meat.”

“Hopefully it will help. You seem to be feeling better now anyway.”

Levi frowns at him.

They go back to Erwin’s office once the tea is done brewing. It takes about another ten minutes after that, a ten minutes where Levi taps his foot impatiently and can’t seem to sit still, until the medicine starts to kick in. It’s true that Erwin thought he had been feeling a bit better, but he’d clearly still been very anxious. As the medication starts to work, he stops his restless fidgeting and his breathing evens out a bit.

“Are you feeling better now?” Erwin says.

Levi makes a noncommittal noise and shrugs.

“You look like you’re feeling better,” Erwin says.

“Maybe a bit,” Levi says.

“Would you like to talk more about it?” Erwin says.

“About what?”

“About the food poisoning. About why it made you anxious.”

“Don’t think there’s much to talk about,” Levi says.

“I don’t think you believe that,” Erwin says. He waits a beat. “You know that this is an ongoing problem. It might help to talk about it. You might find that with time dirt and disease may start upsetting you less, might become more manageable.”

“It’s been this way my whole life,” Levi says. “I don’t think it’s just fucking off anytime soon.”

“I agree that it’s not going to just disappear. But that doesn’t mean it can’t be helpful to talk things through.”

“There’s nothing to talk about,” Levi says.

Flagon dies. His second in command, a woman named Silvia, is promoted to squad leader. Shadis tells Erwin that he is going to officially step down in two months’ time, at which point Erwin will take over as commander.

Erwin is very busy. Levi has not been sent to him for discipline in a few months – it’s over a year since his friends died now, and Erwin think that he’s finally really settling in. His fellow soldiers have all seen him fight now, and Levi has saved many of their lives. Levi has garnered a reputation for both outstanding skill as well as a penchant for violence. Most soldiers grow to respect him for the former. Those who don’t largely stop antagonizing him because of the latter. He seems to have made a friend of Hange, or perhaps more accurately Hange has decided that they will be friends. Levi still comes to him when he’s upset or anxious, but Erwin thinks he’s been doing better. He’s glad, because he is already thinking of promoting Levi to officer, but Erwin can’t do that until he trusts Levi not to lose his temper.

But it’s been several months since Erwin has had to really punish Levi, and he has been very busy preparing to take over as commander, and so he really does not think about how Flagon has died until he is looking for Levi in the mess hall at lunch – he is thinking of overhauling their training regime, and as Levi is their best soldier, he’d like his input – and Erwin can’t find him anywhere.

He does find Hange, and walks up to where she’s sitting, talking animatedly with some other soldiers. “Hange, have you seen Levi?” Erwin says.

Hange pauses, and then winces. “Silvia put him in the cells yesterday,” she says. “He uh, sort of pulled a knife on her.”

_Oh, good God_ , Erwin thinks. He closes his eyes for a moment, then pinches the bridge of his nose. A knife. Fantastic. Just when Erwin started thinking Levi had calmed down. He cannot wait to hear Levi’s excuse for this one.

And he’s in the cells. Erwin feels his stomach sink a little. He doesn’t really know how much that will bother Levi, but he imagines it will not be good. He sighs.

“And do you know how long he will be in the cells for?” Erwin says.

“I heard she said three days,” Hange says.

So more than just a warning, but not too long. “I see,” Erwin says, “thankyou, Hange. You don’t know who’s been tasked with bringing him meals, do you? I need to speak with him anyway.”

Hange gives a name and Erwin finds the soldier and tells him not to bother with breakfast – Erwin picks up the customary bread and water and makes his way to the cells.

He finds Levi pacing in his, though he stops when Erwin comes into view.

“Levi,” Erwin says, opens his mouth, and then pauses. There are scratches all up Levi’s arms, and on his neck too. There’s bruising on his face as well, though it’s not very bad. He’s pale though – very pale, with dark circles under his eyes, and he looks like hell. Erwin’s expression falls to a concerned frown. Levi looks surprised to see him, but it fades in a moment and Erwin can see the anxiety and something very precarious in his eyes.

“Erwin,” Levi says.

Erwin looks down. There is an untouched roll of bread on the ground, on a plate. An empty water glass – the dinner that must have been brought to him the night before. Erwin looks back up at Levi, at the miserable, anxious look on his face.

“Levi,” Erwin says, slower, his frown deepening, “are you alright?”

Levi looks back at him, a blank, numb-pain look, and then slowly shakes his head. He clenches his jaw, and a new desperation enters his expression.

Erwin doesn’t know what to do with that. He feels his chest tighten, and the deep frown on his face stays. He looks at Levi’s arms. “Did someone do that to you?” Erwin says, gestures at his arms. Levi looks down at them, then runs a hand over one, fingers curling so his nails drag along his skin lightly. Erwin’s stomach twists some more. “You’ve hurt yourself?”

Levi says nothing. He just looks back up to meet Erwin’s eyes again. There’s a beat of silence and then Levi speaks. “Please tell me you’re here to bring me back up for a caning,” he says.

“Levi, I – I can’t disregard another squad leader’s orders like that,” Erwin says, “especially when you are in her squad, not mine.”

Levi’s expression falls some more. He lets out a harsh breath and then turns away, paces another circle in the small cell. He runs both his hands through his hair, and then pauses, comes to a stop in front of Erwin again.

“It’s too much,” he says, and his voice is pained and quiet, with just an edge of panic, and Erwin hears the words and his stomach turns almost painfully. When Erwin says nothing, Levi lets out another rush of breath. “Erwin, this is _too much_.”

“Levi, I…” Erwin says. He’s at a loss. He can’t disregard Silvia’s orders. If he were commander already than maybe, though it would look bad, but he’s still a squad leader, and next in line for commander or not, they are of the same rank now.

Levi looks at him, desperate and anxious, and then he turns suddenly, lets out a harsh noise, walking away from the front of the cell. “Fuck,” Levi says. He grasps at his hair, runs his hands over his face. “Fuck, fuck, _fuck_.” He rounds on Erwin again, voice fast and desperate this time. “Have me whipped instead – I don’t care, make it a public flogging or whatever – you do that, don’t you, when someone really fucks up? Not like what you gave me before, a real whipping where you bleed and need stitches after – I’ll do it, I don’t care.”

“Levi, that’s –” Erwin starts. He has only seen it a couple of times, and it was for desertion and attempted murder – they do not usually resort to such harsh treatment. Erwin supposes he could ask Silvia, could pretend that he too is fed up with Levi’s antics and wants him whipped, but Erwin’s stomach turns at even the thought, and there’s no guarantee that Silvia would agree with him. Erwin supposes he could also go to Shadis, but he doesn’t think Shadis would sanction it either. “Levi, you don’t deserve that,” Erwin says.

Levi lets out an abrupt, almost hysterical laugh. “Erwin, I’ll take any punishment you want if you get me out of here.”

“Let’s just try to calm down a little,” Erwin says. “I know it’s not a good situation for you, but it’s only for a couple days –”

“Erwin, I can’t fucking do this,” Levi says. “Do you see this place? It’s fucking disgusting – there is _mold_ all over the back wall, there’s piss on the ground, everything is grimy and filthy and I’m ready to claw my goddamned skin off, Erwin. I can’t clean any of it, I can’t breathe, I can’t sit down – I am going to lose my goddamned mind here, Erwin.”

“You can’t…” Erwin starts, and then he feels another jolt. “Levi, what do you mean you can’t sit down?”

“On this floor?” Levi says, with a sweeping hand gesture. “No, not happening. It’s disgusting.”

“The cot –” Erwin starts.

“I’m trying to pretend that doesn’t exist,” Levi says, gritting his teeth.

“Levi, don’t tell me you’ve been on your feet all night,” Erwin says. He doesn’t know what time Levi was thrown in the cells yesterday, but it was certainly over twelve hours ago, possibly closer to twenty-four. And Levi would have been running drills before that anyway. Not only has he not gotten any sleep then, but he’s probably been on his feet since around eight am the previous morning – _over_ twenty-four hours ago.

“I just said I can’t fucking sit down,” Levi says. “What do you think that means?”

“Okay,” Erwin says. He brings a hand up to his face again, trying to think, mind reeling. “Okay, maybe I can talk to Silvia and get a part of your punishment to be cleaning the cells.”

“The fucking bitch wants it dirty,” Levi says, “she told me herself, she knows I hate filth, she said it was why she brought me here – she knows Flagon always sent me to you.”

_Oh, great_ , Erwin thinks. He assumes she doesn’t know the real extent to Levi’s anxiety, or at least he hopes that if she knew she wouldn’t still want to subject him to this. “I can try to talk to her,” Erwin says. “I can try to convince her to let me handle it.”

“It’s not gonna fucking work,” Levi says. “Everyone knows you’re gonna be fucking commander and she only got promoted to squad leader a month ago – can’t you just overrule her or some shit?”

“No,” Erwin says, “that’s not how it works – we are the same rank, so –”

“Erwin,” Levi says. “I will take whatever you decide to give me, whatever I have to, if you get me out of here. Please, Erwin. Okay? I can’t – I can’t do this. Please.”

His expression is so desperate and pleading and Erwin thinks it’s got to be about the closest to begging that Levi would ever get.

Erwin lets out a long breath. “Okay,” he says, “alright.” He has to think – a way to get Levi out, that leaves no room for arguing. He could just take Levi out, ignore anything Silvia said, and try to explain himself to Shadis privately. He could just go to Shadis. Erwin’s not convinced that Shadis would take his side though, would understand how badly filth made Levi anxious. He could try to hide Levi somewhere – tell the recruit tasked with giving him food that Erwin would take care of it now. But that could blow up spectacularly if someone were to find out. What would get Levi excused from staying in the cells?

It hits Erwin, and then he turns to Levi. “You’re allergic to mold,” Erwin says.

“You don’t have to be allergic for it to fuck up your lungs, it –”

“But _you_ are allergic,” Erwin says. “You are so allergic that prolonged exposure makes it nearly impossible to breathe.”

Levi’s expression morphs to something doubtful. “I don’t know if I can fake anaphylactic shock, Erwin.”

“You just have to fake very labored breathing,” Erwin says. “I’ll tell them you passed out while I was down here, while we were talking. I came down to talk to you about a new training regime, and you suddenly collapsed. And then you tell them that you’re allergic to mold, but you’ve never been in a confined space with it for so long – you didn’t know that it would get this bad. They’ll either let me punish you instead or have to clean one of the cells before sending you back down.”

“They’re not going to clean it well enough,” Levi says, tensing up.

“I will make sure it is cleaned well enough,” Erwin says.

Levi swallows. “Erwin I…”

Erwin waits, but Levi just looks at him. Erwin’s frown deepens. He feels a terrible slowness, heaviness, seep over his skin as he watches Levi tremble.

“I don’t… I don’t want to come back here.” His voice is quiet, and he nearly flinches, looking away. “I know I fucked up, I know I – but it’s… I’ll take more, I’ll take forty, or fifty, with the cane, if I just don’t have to come back here.”

“Levi, I…” Erwin starts. It’s a solid, panging kind of sadness, empathy. “Levi I am very disappointed, and I want an explanation, but I would not give you more than forty, I would not put you down here, I have no desire to put you through something that is beyond your ability to handle, that’s not a punishment, it’s just cruel, and I will do whatever I can to avoid that for you, you have my word.”

“Yeah, okay,” Levi says. He takes a deep breath.

“I’m going to get the keys,” Erwin says. “Get ready to look like you’ve just passed out.”

When Erwin comes back, there is a gash on the side of Levi’s head, near his temple. Erwin freezes.

“I didn’t mean for you to _hurt_ yourself,” Erwin says. He looks back down to meet Levi’s eyes, but his expression is impassive save for the same nervous tension.

“This is more believable,” Levi says. “I’m not gonna be able to actually breathe like I’m dying – this’ll work better.”

“For God’s sake,” Erwin says, putting his palm against his forehead for a moment. He unlocks the cell though.

Levi moves out of it very quickly. He strides ahead of Erwin down the hallway to the stairs. Erwin walks quickly to keep up with him. Once outside again, Levi relaxes suddenly, the tension running from his shoulders as he takes a deep breath.

“Look like you’re weak, walk slowly,” Erwin says. There’s no one around but they will soon enter areas where people are.

Levi lets out a breath and starts moving – slowly. The tension starts mounting back up again. He’s breathing shallowly and Erwin doesn’t know if it’s on purpose or just because he’s anxious.

“I told you I really, really fucking hate medical, right?” Levi says.

“They’re just going to check your lungs, take a look at that gash you gave yourself – roll your sleeves down.”

Levi rolls them down absently as he walks, hiding the scratches all over them. “There’s illness there,” Levi says, under his breath as they pass a couple soldiers. “Disease. They’re going to touch me with their filthy hands.”

“I’m sure they take hygiene very seriously, considering the need for sterile equipment,” Erwin says.

“Hange is a medic and she’s fucking disgusting,” Levi says.

“Hange is not a medic,” Erwin says. “Hange has some medical training. She is certainly not a doctor, and even she would make sure her hands were clean before going anywhere near a wound.”

“Whatever,” Levi says.

Normally, Erwin would tell Levi to take deep breaths, to try to slow his breathing – but they currently needed his breathing fast and shallow. It is going to make him more anxious, but at least Levi’s anxiety would help make it look more convincing. It gets worse as they get closer and Erwin can practically feel the jittery energy, the tense anxiety coming off Levi.

“Squad leader,” the front attendant says. Her eyes slip to Levi, where he is now making a slightly more exaggerated show of his quick breathing. He’s gone very pale.

“We need to see a doctor,” Erwin says. “He’s having trouble breathing.”

They are shown quickly into a different room, small and thankfully alone. Erwin stands while Levi sits on the bench inside.

“Lie down,” Erwin says, just before a doctor comes in. Levi glances over at him, then glances back at Erwin.

“Squad leader, Levi,” the doctor says, “what can I do for you today?”

“Can’t breathe,” Levi says.

The doctor frowns, bends down near Levi. When he reaches to touch Levi’s throat, Levi flinches. The doctor presses his fingers against the sides of Levi’s throat and Erwin watches Levi swallow and close his eyes, tensing.

“Did you hurt your ribs at all? Was this a training incident?” he says. His hands move lower, to feel around Levi’s ribs. Levi tenses some more, flicks Erwin an equally angry and anxious look, teeth gritted.

“He was in the cells,” Erwin says. “He’s been in for about a day now, I found him breathing like that and then he passed out.”

“That would explain the head wound, I presume?” the doctor says, and then moves back to gently pressing at Levi’s throat.

“Yes,” Erwin says.

“Any other symptoms?” he says.

“Dizzy,” Levi says.

“Mm,” the doctor says, “and Levi, do you have any idea what could be causing this difficulty? Looks like some bruising on your face – did you sustain any other injuries yesterday?” As he says it, the doctor pushes up Levi’s shirt to reveal his stomach. Levi tenses as he does so. There’s some bruising there as well, though it doesn’t look particularly bad.

“Got punched. Don’t think it’s my ribs,” Levi says. “I’m allergic to mold.”

“Ah,” he says, “and there was mold in the cell then?”

Levi nods.

“Has it made your breathing difficult before?”

“Not like this,” Levi says.

He is, overall, pretty convincing, Erwin thinks. The doctor takes a moment to listen to Levi’s breathing with a stethoscope, and then he stands up. “Well, no more cells for you, Levi, at least, until they get a fair amount of bleach down there. Sorry, squad leader, you will have to find somewhere else to confine him.”

The doctor moves and then comes back with water and bandages. He cleans and dresses the gash on Levi’s head. Levi slowly corrects his breathing, lets it get a little less shallow, less harsh. The doctor lets him leave with Erwin, tells him to come back if he’s still having trouble breathing by nighttime, and gives him a spoonful of a medicine that has Levi grimacing.

“Go to my office and wait there,” Erwin says. “I’m going to talk with Silvia.”

Erwin finds her out with her squad and asks if they can speak for a moment. He then explains that he’d gone down to speak with Levi about a training regime when Levi wasn’t breathing well and then collapsed.

“I took him to medical, apparently he is allergic to mold,” Erwin says.

She lets out a long sigh. “Well, I guess his cleaning fetish is rooted in something rational after all,” she says. “Though if he knew he was allergic I don’t know why he didn’t say anything.”

“I don’t think he’s ever had such a bad reaction,” Erwin says. “He’s in my office right now, but the doctor thinks he should be recovered by tonight. If you don’t mind, I’d like to take care of the rest of his punishment. Of course, you are his squad leader so it is obviously in your rights to punish him however you see fit, but he can’t go back in the cells.”

“I was in this squad a year ago,” she says. “I watched Flagon try to tame him. I never understood why he didn’t try the cells. You can take him if you want, Erwin.”

Erwin smiles. “Levi is a difficult case. I will take care of it.”

Levi is not in Erwin’s office when he gets back to it.

Erwin is not actually that surprised, once he thinks about it. He assumes that Levi has gone to the showers and to change into clean clothes, maybe to get something to eat or some tea. He’s a bit worried when Levi doesn’t show up within the next hour. Erwin’s not angry – he’s pretty confident that Levi is not simply being obstinate or defiant, is much more concerned considering how badly Levi seemed to be doing. He’s torn between simply waiting for Levi to come to him and searching Levi out.

He winds up doing neither of these things. He goes to the mess hall to get dinner and on his way back stops by his rooms to grab a few papers. He gets all the way into the room, shuts the door, and walks to his desk before he hears shuffling behind him.

Erwin turns to see the door to his private washroom half open, noise from inside. The flash of alarm settles quickly as he walks over, pushing the door all the way open. Levi is standing at his sink, scrubbing his arms.

Erwin once again wonders how Levi manages to break in everywhere. Levi doesn’t turn when Erwin walks up behind him. He’s dressed in loose pants and socks but no shirt. There’s some more bruising on his back, though it’s light.

Erwin steps up to his side. Levi’s hands are bleeding. The water in the sink is pink. His skin is raw all over, his hair damp. He’d used Erwin’s bath first. Levi doesn’t look up, doesn’t pause. His movements are frantic, too fast, but there’s something methodical to it as well.

“Levi,” Erwin says. When Levi makes no answer, Erwin takes his wrists, gently, and pulls his hands apart. Levi’s hands shake, but he doesn’t resist. “Levi,” Erwin says again.

Levi stares down at his hands for another moment. He swallows, and then looks up at Erwin. “Do I have to go back?” he says.

“No,” Erwin says. He lets go of one of Levi’s hands to turn the sink off. He grabs a hanging towel and wraps both of Levi’s hands in it. When Erwin takes it away again he lets it fall to the floor, then takes Levi’s hands at his wrists again, looking down. They’re still bleeding. “I’ll get some bandages,” he says.

Levi sits on the edge of Erwin’s bathtub while Erwin bandages his hands. Erwin had gone out to his bedroom to grab the first aid kit but Levi had stayed in the washroom. Erwin doesn’t comment on it. Levi hisses and winces when Erwin dabs alcohol on the scrapes and tiny cuts before Erwin bandages it the best he can.

“Are they going to whip me then?” Levi says when Erwin’s done, flexing his fingers.

“No,” Erwin says. “No, Silvia agreed that I would take care of it.”

“Okay, let’s go,” Levi says, grabbing his shirt from where he’d hung it.

“I think it will wait until tomorrow,” Erwin says. “You’ve been through enough for today.”

“I want it now,” Levi says. He pulls his shirt on and sets Erwin with a glare. Erwin can see it now though – Levi had calmed down when Erwin got there, or at least calmed down enough to stop scrubbing his skin bloody, but he’s still anxious. While he’s not acting so frantically, his movements are still jittery.

“Levi, I think you should get some tea and lie down,” Erwin says. “You’re clearly exhausted. I hope you slept and ate something before you came here.” Levi’s lip curls and Erwin knows he hasn’t. Erwin sighs. “Levi, you need rest,” Erwin says. “Let me go get some tea and dinner and you can take a nap here while I do.”

“I want you to cane me,” Levi says. “You can do that after.”

“Your body needs rest,” Erwin says again. “Not a caning right now.”

Levi grows clearly impatient. “I’m not going to be able to rest right now, Erwin. I can still feel that fucking filth all over my skin, that fucking mold in my lungs – I want you to cane me.”

Erwin sighs. “I really –”

“Now, Erwin,” Levi says. “Please.”

Erwin holds his gaze this time. “Have you taken the medicine Hange gave you?”

“Yes,” he says.

“Levi, I don’t like the idea of doing this now,” Erwin says. “I don’t want to overwhelm you like last time.”

While Levi has looked jittery and tense on occasion when he comes to see Erwin, he’s not usually this anxious. Erwin has gotten the feeling that save when Levi came to him after the mess hall lunch was contaminated, he’s always gone to Erwin after the fact – when he’s calmed down some, when it’s a grating stress instead of a panicked anxiety.

“I was having a fucking panic attack last time – this is fine, Erwin,” Levi says. “And besides, you stopped anyway. I’ll tell you to stop if it gets like that.”

Erwin lets out a long breath. “Fine,” he says. “You will tell me to stop if it becomes too much. Afterwards, you are going to drink some tea and eat something, and then you will sleep.”

“Sure,” Levi says.

Erwin gets up. He gets the cane out of the trunk at the end of his bed while Levi takes off his gear straps. Levi moves to the table in the corner of the room, and Erwin does as well.

“You’ll get thirty,” Erwin says. He’s only gotten an abridged version of what happened from Silvia – Levi got in a fight and pulled a knife at some point during it. When Silvia pulled him off the other man, he turned and swung the knife at her. Erwin thinks Levi may very well deserve forty for that behavior, but he’s clearly been punished quite a bit already, and with how upset, shaky, and exhausted Levi is, Erwin doesn’t want to push it.

Levi makes a neutral hum, and bends over the desk after shoving down his clothes. Erwin starts.

He doesn’t show the distress he had when the soldiers got food poisoning, is quiet during the first ten like he normally is. His voice gets shaky after that, but he’s settling into it. After twenty the numbers get rough and wet and he presses his forehead to the table with a groans and cut off yells, pained noises coming out through his teeth. Erwin proceeds carefully, but he’s not really showing more distress than usual. He always starts breaking down more after about twenty-five. Erwin is surprised, however, when Levi suddenly bursts into tears.

Erwin freezes. Levi moves to hide his face between his arms, his back jolting with a sob. He’s silent for a second after, and then another one breaks from his throat. Erwin hesitates, and then carefully places a hand on Levi’s head, in his hair, gentle. “Levi,” he says. “Do you need to stop?”

It’s not really the tears that has Erwin pausing. Levi’s cried before during the canings – not this early – Erwin’s on twenty-six – but not much later either. It’s the abruptness that has him freezing. Erwin doesn’t usually notice when Levi starts crying, only at some point that there’s a wetness on his face. Levi’s quiet and the tears slow to build up and well over. He’s never broken out suddenly like this, and he’s never really sobbed either.

But Levi shakes his head. “No,” he says, even as his voice cracks, wet, and Erwin sees him swallow, and then hears him gasp.

“Are you sure, Levi?” Erwin says. He runs a soothing hand over Levi’s back. “You don’t have to keep going,” Erwin says. He’s worried for a moment that Levi is pushing himself because this is a punishment, whereas with the soldiers’ food poisoning he’d come on his own. “I’m satisfied with your punishment, Levi, you can stop now if you need to.”

Levi shakes his head though. “I want to finish,” he says.

“Okay,” Erwin says, after some hesitation. “But you tell me if you need to stop.”

Levi nods, and Erwin gives him the next one. They finish to thirty, and Erwin relaxes as he goes. He doesn’t think Levi is more distressed than normal, he decides. He thinks it’s that Levi’s too exhausted to try to contain himself. And Erwin thinks that might be good for him after all – to let it out and cry if he needs to, after the hellish day and a half he’s had.

“We’re all done, Levi,” Erwin says when he finishes. He rubs Levi’s back for a few moments. “You did very well.” Erwin waits there, stays an extra minute as Levi calms down, before finally stepping away.

He gets lotion, and places it on the table. “Lie down when you’re done,” Erwin says. “I’ll go get you tea and something to eat.”

When Erwin comes back, Levi is lying down, he is pleased to see. He lies on his stomach on Erwin’s bed, but his eyes are open when Erwin gets there. He looks less tense now, like he has managed to start to relax. Erwin puts down food and tea on the bedside table and Levi peers at him without moving.

“You can eat there if you like,” Erwin says, “but you’ll have to sit up.”

Levi closes his eyes for a moment and lets out an unhappy grunt. Sitting back on the bed will be better than a chair, but it’s still going to hurt. Levi turns himself over though, and Erwin pulls up a chair to eat there as well. Levi sips his tea and starts picking at the food.

“Are you feeling better?” Erwin says.

Levi nods. “Yeah.”

“Good,” Erwin says, “I’m glad.” He looks at Levi as he takes a bite. “Now please tell me, Levi, what could possibly possess you to pull a knife on your direct superior?”

Levi’s expression goes somewhere between a scowl and a grimace. “I didn’t _mean_ to,” he says.

Erwin raises an eyebrow.

Levi huffs. “Well I didn’t pull it on her, I pulled it on the other three shitheads. She just happened to be in the way.”

“And why did you pull a knife on your squadmates?” Erwin says. He’s assuming Levi didn’t actually cut one of them, otherwise he would have heard about that too.

“They were being assholes,” Levi says into his tea.

“Levi.”

“I was having a shitty day, alright? They were talking shit about Isabel, telling some new recruit about me.”

“You lost your temper,” Erwin says.

“Whatever,” Levi says, and his grip on the fork in his hand tightens.

“You’ve gotten angry before and never taken out a knife,” Erwin says. “What was different?”

Levi shrugs, looks away. “I wanted them to shut up and punching wasn’t working.”

“Levi.”

Levi’s mouth tightens. He’s silent for a moment. “I just snapped,” he says. He finally looks back, and his expression is sad and pained. “I don’t know, Erwin. I always fought with knives underground.”

Erwin keeps his expression calm. He nods. “You think talking about Isabel, it… reminded you, in a way, of how you were underground?”

Levi shrugs. He looks away again, and then he takes a deep breath. “They pinned me,” he says. And Erwin sees an almost faint pink flush on his face, like he’s embarrassed.

Erwin can’t help the surprise though. “They pinned you?”

“That’s what I fucking said,” Levi says.

Erwin’s brow furrows. “How?”

He has seen Levi fight. He knows Levi said there were three of them, and Erwin knows Levi is not invincible, but he’s still not quite sure how this happened.

“I let my guard down,” Levi says. “It was after we’d already fought – they weren’t standing, I thought that was the end of it – I was stupid, turned my back on them. They got me on the ground.”

“Are you alright?” Erwin says, because he had seen the bruising, but it hadn’t looked that bad.

“Yeah, I’m fine, it just… it scared me, okay? Getting pinned down on the ground like that – there were three of them. And then I got loose, and I just – I snapped, I was so goddamned mad, Erwin, I didn’t think, I just pulled it.”

“Were you going to use it?” Erwin says.

Levi lets out a breath. “No,” he says. “I wanted to scare them. I wasn’t going to actually fucking cut someone – there’s a reason I don’t ever take it out.”

“You broke someone’s arm,” Erwin says.

“That was different,” Levi says.

Erwin hums. It was, but still. “And then what? Silvia pulled you back?”

“I just reacted,” Levi says, “I thought one of them was behind me again – I’d just been fucking thrown to the ground from behind like thirty seconds ago.”

“So you did swing at her?” Erwin says.

“If I’d been trying to cut her, she’d be cut,” Levi says. “But yeah, I waved it in front of me.”

“Okay,” Erwin says, nodding. It’s not altogether out of character for Levi, then – although, Erwin doesn’t think any of his previous fights have been because he got scared. At least, not in this way. Erwin’s not quite sure what he could say to make sure it doesn’t happen again though. Levi’s temper is something they can work on, something which Erwin thinks can benefit from discipline. But there’s not much Erwin can do about a knee-jerk, panicked reaction – and that’s what pulling the knife, both in the first place and then on Silvia, sounds like to Erwin. It’s also not something Erwin feels particularly good about punishing him for. It feels too much like Erwin’s simply punishing him for getting scared.

“You gonna give me the you can’t be fighting talk again?” Levi says, taking a bite of his food while looking suspiciously over at him.

“You shouldn’t have started fighting in the first place,” Erwin says.

“I barely hurt them,” Levi says. “Clearly they were fine, since they managed to get up and attack me again.”

Erwin hums. “But I’m not particularly optimistic that a talk about knives is going to deter the behavior in the future. It sounds like you didn’t have much control, and you weren’t going to actually hurt anyone with it. I’m going to trust that this is a one time thing, and you’ll do everything in your power to not repeat the incident. If you’re startled and scared and grab a knife to defend yourself out of reflex, I’m not sure there’s much I can or should do about that.”

“Then why’d you give me fucking thirty?” Levi says.

Erwin smiles. “I told you we could stop,” Erwin says. “And you were the one so insistent on doing it tonight.”

“Yeah, sure,” Levi says. He finishes the food and tea, and sets both on the table beside him again. Erwin picks them up and brings it over to the larger table in the corner.

“You need rest now,” Erwin says. “You can stay here if you like.”

“Your bed is a lot fucking nicer than mine,” Levi says. He shifts down a little against the pillows, but keeps looking at Erwin. “I’m not gonna be able to sleep though.”

“You’re exhausted,” Erwin says. “You need rest, Levi, and you’re at least looking much more relaxed now. You need to try to sleep.”

Levi lets out a sigh. “You can say that all you want, Erwin, doesn’t mean it’s going to happen.”

“Just lie down,” Erwin says. “Do you have Hange’s medicine with you? She said you can take another dose to sleep.”

“Already took it,” Levi says, but he rolls over onto his stomach, and fits the pillow under his head. Erwin’s a little surprised actually, that he hasn’t left instead. Erwin walks around to the other side of the bed. It’s large enough to easily accommodate two people.

“Do you mind if I sit here?” Erwin says.

“It’s your fucking bed,” Levi says.

Erwin shuts the curtains first, and then sits down against the headboard. He wonders if Levi doesn’t want to be alone, if he’s still feeling anxious, and that’s why he’s not leaving.

“I could read aloud if you think it might help?” Erwin says.

Levi just grunts. “It’s fine,” he says.

So Erwin picks up the papers that he had originally gone to his room to collect, deciding that he will sit there to do his work. He is hesitant to leave him this time.

It’s silent for a few of minutes, the only noise the rustle of paper when Erwin flips a page. And then Levi turns over, looking at him with a blank expression. Erwin pauses and looks over as well when Levi moves.

“Erwin,” he says, “why do you have a cane in your bedroom?”

Erwin freezes. “Um,” he says, and he fights to keep his expression neutral. “I just have two. I suppose one just wound up in here.”

Levi stares back at Erwin for a long moment, and Erwin just looks back blankly.

“You _are_ a sadist,” Levi says, his eyebrows going up, eyes widening, and his mouth slips into something smug and yet disbelieving. “You actually fucking are. I was fucking with you when I said that, the first time you caned me, but you _actually_ are. Have you been getting off on this shit the entire –”

“No, Levi, no,” Erwin says, feeling his face heat up, waving the papers. “That is _not_ –”

“Erwin Smith, a fucking sadist pervert,” Levi says, and Erwin’s both horrified and bewildered at his reaction, horrified that Levi may believe that he’s only been caning Levi for his own satisfaction, and bewildered because there is some kind of gleeful amusement in Levi’s eyes. “I bet you’ve fucking loved this, huh? Getting –”

“No, Levi,” Erwin says again, another wash of horror. “I do not get any kind of – kind of _pleasure_ out of caning you, I swear to you, Levi, that is not what has been going on. I –”

“No, you just have a cane in your bedroom on the offhand chance that your delinquent subordinate comes to visit you in bed,” Levi says, deadpan.

Erwin runs a hand over his face and takes a deep breath as he gives up and his face goes red. “No, Levi, look, I do… enjoy, those types of activities, but I swear that it has never been on my mind with _you_ , Levi, there is – look, you said it yourself, you do not enjoy the canings. There are – er, people, who _do_ enjoy canings. And _I_ only enjoy it if the person being caned _also_ enjoys it, it is really not at all something that I find enjoyable otherwise, so –”

Levi barks out a laugh, and Erwin finally makes eye contact with him again, stopping abruptly. “God, Erwin, relax,” Levi says. “Pretty sure I would have noticed if you popped a boner every time you caned me.” He pauses. “You better fucking clean those things though – if you just caned me with –”

“It is very clean,” Erwin says, wiping a hand over his face again.

“Good,” Levi says. “Can’t believe you just caned me with your fucking sex cane, hell, Erwin.”

“I’m sorry,” Erwin says. “It’s been a long time, and –”

“What? Commander Eyebrows can’t find a date? Or have you just not found anyone who _enjoys_ ‘those types of activities,’” Levi says.

“Levi,” Erwin says, his tone almost pleading.

Levi smirks at him though. “Now I’m going to be thinking about your dick every time you do this.”

“Really, Levi?” Erwin says, his mortification turning into exasperation instead now.

“Seriously though, who do you find that likes that shit? It fucking hurts,” Levi says.

Erwin pauses, but then sighs. “I wouldn’t normally be as severe,” Erwin says, “but there are people who like even that too.”

“Less severe, huh?” Levi says. He closes his eyes. “Yeah, I guess if you hit a lot lighter.”

Erwin blinks, and then stares. But Levi doesn’t open his eyes again, and Erwin slumps back down against the headboard of the bed. Despite his protests, Levi is asleep within ten minutes after that, breaths even and slow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The whole throw Levi in the cells for punishment idea also appears in my stories Splinter and Levi the Tea Thief, but I actually originally came up with it for this story, and then wound up incorporating it into the other two - those just wound up getting written/published first.
> 
> Also: I've decided that there will be a bonus chapter.


	4. Fogged Glass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi does not take care of himself well. Erwin attempts to remedy the problem. Mixed results ensue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be a bonus chapter but instead it is a normal chapter - see end notes for more info on that.
> 
> (Also, I know it's been like four months, so this one is extra long.)

Two months later, Levi is promoted to Captain. That puts him just a step below Squad Leader, and his direct commanding officer is Erwin himself. Erwin’s confident in Levi’s decision making at that point, and while Levi’s certainly never going to be the embodiment of perfect military respect, he’s gotten a lot better at controlling his temper.

Levi still comes to see him when he’s stressed or can’t sleep or is especially anxious, but as he’s now outside of any other officer’s direct control, he’s no longer sent to Erwin for discipline. Several squad leaders complain to Erwin about Levi’s behavior on occasion, but it is usually more for his personality than for something he’s done wrong.

It starts because Erwin is now Levi’s direct commanding officer. So while no one is sending Levi to him, Erwin still occasionally (though not as often as when Levi first joined) punishes him for infractions, for getting a bit too out of hand in meetings, for being especially rude when he should know better, for not following through on Erwin’s orders the way they were specified.

It starts slowly, the way that it bleeds into more mundane, more personal matters. It reminds Erwin of how Levi had begun acting out on purpose, without even really consciously recognizing that he was, the way that it starts so slowly. Levi as a Captain spends a lot more time with Erwin, and as they spend more time together, Erwin starts picking up on things he’d overlooked before.

Levi doesn’t eat enough. He trains even when he’s gotten quite literally zero sleep the night before. He pushes himself too far. He hides injuries. He is, overall, terrible at taking care of himself.

“What do you mean you put the stitches in yourself?” Erwin says after he finds Levi in his room. He hadn’t been at training that morning, and Erwin had gone looking for him, and asked why he wasn’t out. Levi had then informed him that he’d gotten cut on a wire the day before, and he couldn’t train because the gear strap crossed the area.

Of course, if Levi had gone to Medical like he should have, then Erwin would know this already, because he would have been put down as not cleared for training.

“I know how,” Levi says simply.

“Levi, you are not a medic,” Erwin says. “Do you have any medical training?”

“I know how to put in stitches,” Levi says.

“Where did you get the supplies?” Erwin says.

“From medical.”

“You stole them?”

“They’re for soldiers, aren’t they? That’s not stealing.”

Erwin puts his hand over his face. “Levi,” he says. “You need to go to medical when you get injured. We’ve talked about this.”

“It’s just a little cut,” Levi says. “Do you go to medical for every scrape and bruise you get, Erwin?”

“If it is bad enough to need stitches, then yes, I do go,” Erwin says. “And you need to as well.” Erwin sighs. “Can I see it?”

“I know how to take care of –”

“Levi.”

Levi huffs and then starts unbuttoning his shirt. He’s not wearing the gear straps or jacket since he’s just been inside. He takes off his shirt before folding it on the bed, revealing a bandage wrapped around his torso. He unwraps it carefully, revealing a very poorly done line of stitches across his ribs, on his side. Erwin’s eyes widen when he sees it.

“ _Levi_ ,” Erwin says.

“I couldn’t reach well,” Levi says, not looking at him. It’s far enough on his side, almost his back, that it would have been difficult to place himself.

Erwin looks at the wound a little closer. The stitches are very choppy, and the cut already looks inflamed. “You need to go to medical,” Erwin says.

“It’s fi-”

“No,” Erwin says. “Those are not good stitches, Levi, don’t pretend that they are. It’s looking red too, you probably need something for infection, just to be safe.”

Levi scowls at him. “I cleaned it. It’s fine.” He starts wrapping the bandage around it again.

“Levi, you need to go to medical. I mean it,” Erwin says. “I don’t understand why you would even try to stitch it yourself with a wound so far on your side.”

“I hate medical,” Levi says.

“If you’re anxious, then you can take the medicine Hange gave you, but you need to go,” Erwin says.

“Well I’ve already done it now –”

“Levi, I am serious, you need to go to medical now.” Levi looks over at him with a scowl that’s undercut by the way his eyes have widened a bit, his movements gone tense as he buttons his shirt up quickly. Erwin’s voice softens. “You can take the double dose if you need to – you can sleep afterwards anyway – and I can go with you if you’d like.”

Levi’s scowl turns into a glare. “What, like I’m some brat that needs their parent to hold their hand?”

“Lots of soldiers have someone go with them to medical,” Erwin says, “especially with something potentially painful like stitches.” He pauses when Levi just keeps glaring. “I can tell them I’m only there to make sure you go.”

“No thanks,” Levi says.

“Fine,” Erwin says. “But I am serious, Levi, I expect you to go today.”

Levi finishes buttoning the shirt, back to a scowl. “Fine,” he says.

“Great,” Erwin says. “Let’s go.”

“I’m taking Shitty Glasses’ syrup,” Levi says.

“Okay,” Erwin says. He watches Levi walk to his cabinet, pulling it out. Levi pauses to glare at him.

“Are you going to stand there the whole time?” Levi says. “It takes half an hour to start working – I’m sure I’ll survive that long with the stitches I put in.”

“Fine,” Erwin says.

“Then go,” Levi says, waving his hand at the door. “I don’t need you to usher me there like a child.”

Erwin sighs. “Fine,” he says. “I’ll see you later, Levi.”

Erwin catches up with Levi that night in the mess hall. He asks Levi how it went and Levi grunts at him. “Fine,” he says. Erwin doesn’t push for more.

The next morning, Levi is once again not out for training. Unsurprising as soldiers are generally barred from training until stitches are removed and Levi certainly wouldn’t be using ODM until it was healed, considering the cut would fall under his gear straps. But Levi is, once again, not on the list from Medical.

Erwin goes there afterwards to make sure he has been getting the correct notices, and to make sure that every soldier that should be on that list is getting on it. The doctor there looks down at the paper and confirms it’s correct. When Erwin asks about Levi specifically, the doctor frowns.

“Captain Levi? No, he wasn’t here yesterday,” the doctor says. “He’s gotten cut now?”

Erwin finds Levi in his room again. He opens the door to see Levi reading at his desk.

“I just had a very interesting conversation with a doctor in medical,” Erwin says.

It’s almost unnoticeable, but Erwin catches how Levi tenses before slowly looking up. His expression is blank, and he doesn’t say anything.

“You are going to take your medicine now,” Erwin says, “and I will wait here with you, and in half an hour, we are going to medical. And you will come to my office tonight, after dinner.”

Levi’s wince is almost imperceptible, but Erwin is watching too closely. He waits, and Levi doesn’t move, just looks off to the side, a defiant, unhappy look on his face.

“Now, Levi,” Erwin says.

Levi gets up and goes to his cabinet. He takes the medicine, the double dose usually used for sleep, Erwin notes, and then sits back down at his desk. He crosses his arms and starts tapping his foot, expression going to something closer to a glower.

Erwin pulls out another chair and sits down. He pulls out a couple of papers he’d been carrying. He’s content to sit there in silence for the next thirty minutes if that’s what Levi wants.

It’s several minutes later when Levi says, abruptly, “My stitches are fine.”

“If it’s fine, then the doctor will say so and you can leave,” Erwin says without looking up from his papers.

“I don’t care if it scars, I don’t need it to look pretty,” Levi says.

“You can tell them that,” Erwin says, “and they’ll determine if they still need to redo the stitches.” Levi tenses. Erwin glances up. He waits a moment but Levi just looks away again, a tight, angry expression. “Do needles make you nervous?” Erwin says.

“No,” Levi says. “I stitched myself up, does it look like I’m nervous with needles?”

“I’m assuming you had some reason to disregard my orders and then lie to me about it, all while endangering your own health,” Erwin says.

Levi huffs. “I told you. I don’t like medical.”

“You did just fine when we went last time.”

“Last time, I had been locked in a disgusting filthy cell and it was my only way out,” Levi says.

“And you did fine there,” Erwin says. Levi had obviously been uncomfortable and a bit anxious, but he hadn’t panicked. “So what is it? Is it the stitches, that it could be painful?” Restitching could be quite painful if that’s what he needed. It wouldn’t be an unreasonable fear.

Levi scoffs at him though. “No,” he says. “I just don’t like medical.”

It is clearly more than just a dislike, but Erwin lets it be. He really isn’t sure how much of Levi’s avoidance has been fear and how much is just his usual stubborn impudence. By the time thirty minutes has passed, Levi’s eyes have gone a bit glazed and his shoulders are relaxed, his foot no longer tapping restlessly, his expression not quite so tight.

“I’m going, you really don’t need to come along too,” Levi says as they walk to medical.

“That’s what you said yesterday,” Erwin says.

Levi grumbles something under his breath but Erwin ignores him. They reach medical and Levi glowers at the front attendant before he’s shown in.

“Ah, Captain,” the doctor says when he enters. Erwin sits in a free chair while Levi sits on the long bench meant for patients. His eyes flick around the space, fingers sliding along the underside of the lip of the bench before inspecting his fingers. He tenses up more after he looks at them, before wiping his hand on his pants. He scowls up at the doctor.

Levi takes off his shirt and unwraps the bandage. The doctor grimaces at the stitches.

He cleans the wound again and applies an ointment but doesn’t remove or redo the stitches. Levi gets another lecture about going to medical when injured, which he scowls through. He looks uncomfortable and annoyed but not overly anxious while they’re there. Erwin’s not sure if it’s because Levi just wasn’t that nervous to begin with, if Hange’s drought is working very well, or if Levi was really more anxious about possibly needing it restitched than anything else.

Either way, Erwin is glad that Levi doesn’t find it too anxiety-provoking, though it doesn’t do much in way of Erwin’s sympathy for his refusal to go to medical and subsequent lying.

Erwin walks him back to his room and asks Levi if he’d like him to stay or if he needs anything. He’s still looking just a bit out of it from the medicine. Levi waves him off though, tells him he’s going to sleep.

Levi meets Erwin in his office after dinner, like Erwin requested. He has another blank look on his face. When Erwin goes to get the cane, Levi scowls. Erwin pauses though before Levi can go to the desk like usual.

“Were you just being stubborn,” Erwin says, “or does the idea of medical scare you enough that you’ll need help going?”

Levi’s scowl deepens. Erwin waits.

“I don’t mean to belittle you if you really find it that frightening,” Erwin says, “I just need to know if this is something you can’t help.”

Erwin doesn’t want to punish Levi for getting scared, if he’d just been too scared to force himself to medical on his own. Erwin doesn’t think it’s that, because Levi hadn’t panicked when Erwin showed up at his room today and sat down there, but he wants to be sure. And if Levi really is that afraid, then he needs to make sure Levi does get treatment in the future.

Levi looks away. There’s a long pause. “I was being stubborn,” he says.

“Okay,” Erwin says.

Levi’s eyes flick back to him. “But I do fucking hate it there.”

“It seems like Hange’s medicine helped,” Erwin says.

Levi lets out a long breath. “Yeah,” he says.

“You’ll get thirty,” Erwin says. “You both refused a direct order and then lied about it, but I’ll be lenient since I know you were anxious.”

“Because thirty is real fucking _lenient_ ,” Levi says.

“Would you like thirty-five?”

Levi keeps his mouth shut at that.

Erwin gives him the thirty strikes. Levi groans and hisses. Erwin leaves lotion on the desk, gets tea, comes back. Levi’s in the same spot as always, leaning against the cabinets, and Erwin gives him tea.

“Tell me why you didn’t go to medical when you first got hurt,” Erwin says, once he’s sitting across from him.

“I told you. Hate medical,” Levi says.

“You must have realized you wouldn’t be able to stitch it up yourself,” Erwin says. “Did you think about taking the drought?”

“I didn’t think about going at all,” Levi says. “I could reach it, so I did it myself. Don’t need any of that stuff if I do it myself – it doesn’t make me nervous when I’m doing it.”

Erwin nods. “Would it still make you nervous if it was Hange?”

Levi frowns. “Shitty Glasses? You mean the woman who bathes like once a year? Yes, that would make me nervous.”

“What if you watched her wash her hands, and she did it in your room, where you know it’s clean.”

Levi frowns some more, but he takes a sip of tea. “Maybe,” he says. “That would probably be better.”

“Something to try next time then,” Erwin says. “Provided it’s not too bad an injury.” She’s still not a doctor or even a medic, but she has some formal training, and Erwin knows she can stitch up a wound just fine. She’d know to send Levi to medical instead if it was something she couldn’t handle.

“Yeah, alright,” Levi says.

“I do mean it, about getting injuries checked, Levi,” Erwin says. “You’re to go to medical or to find Hange immediately the next time you get hurt.”

“I don’t –”

“If it needs stitches, you need to see someone,” Erwin says, “if it requires you to stop training, then you need to let someone check you out. You know what constitutes a trip to medical.”

Levi scowls. “I can put in my own stitches,” Levi says. “I just couldn’t reach this one well.”

“Go see Hange next time,” Erwin says. “If you can really put them in yourself then you can just have her look them over as you go. She’ll at least have a sterile kit and ointment for it if she’s worried about infection.”

“Fine,” Levi says.

They are in Erwin’s office one night, working on some paperwork late, and Erwin has food sent up to them so that they can keep going. They then spend the following hour bickering because Levi only pushes food around on his plate like Erwin has seen him doing it seems every time he’s seen Levi at mealtime for the past week.

“You’re like a child,” Erwin says, exasperated, as Levi glares at him from across the desk. Erwin gestures at the plate. “Hasn’t anyone ever told you that you need vegetables?”

“These are disgusting,” Levi says.

“Who would have known that Humanity’s Strongest was a picky eater?” Erwin says.

Levi’s eyes narrow. “I grew up in the underground where I took food out of gutters and you’re calling me a picky eater?”

“If I put the vegetables in a gutter, will you eat them then?”

“Fuck you,” Levi says, but then he takes a tentative bite of broccoli afterwards.

It keeps coming up. For some reason Levi hasn’t been eating well recently, to the point where Erwin’s sure Levi’s lost some weight. He does not have room to be losing weight.

“You can’t survive on just bread,” Erwin says, pointing with his fork.

“Why not?” Levi says. “Bread is filling. It’s fine.”

“Bread by itself is not enough nutrition,” Erwin says. “You need a variety of foods to be healthy.”

“I like meat too,” Levi says, taking another bite of his roll of bread.

“Yes, but we have very little meat,” Erwin says. “So you will have to eat other food as well.”

“There was chicken at dinner yesterday,” Levi says.

“And right now there is beans and squash,” Erwin says, pointing with his fork down at Levi’s plate, “so you need to eat beans and squash.”

Levi glares at him.

“I am getting tired of this conversation, Levi,” Erwin says two days later at breakfast, once again sitting in his office.

“They added too much water,” Levi says, turning a spoon through his oatmeal with a disgusted look on his face.

“I don’t care. You need to eat,” Erwin says.

“We should fire the cooks and get new ones,” Levi says, still looking down at his bowl.

“Levi.”

“Calm down, Shitty Eyebrows, I ate the apple,” Levi says.

“I should not have to explain to you why an apple is not sufficient for breakfast,” Erwin says. “We all complete very taxing training every day. You need more food than that.”

“I’ll grab an extra roll at lunch or something,” Levi says.

“Levi, this is enough,” Erwin says. “You’re not eating enough to be training and to fulfill your duties. You will finish the oatmeal.”

Levi looks up slowly to level a dark look at Erwin. “I will now?”

“Yes,” Erwin says, staring right back.

And then, while his eyes are still locked directly with Erwin’s, Levi slides his bowl slowly and deliberately to the edge of the table until it falls off the edge. The bowl clatters to the ground, the sound ringing much louder than it should. Levi looks back at him.

“Oh no,” he says with the same exact deadpan expression. “I’ve spilled the oatmeal.”

Erwin pushes back his chair with a loud scrape and Levi gets up at the same moment.

“I’ll get a mop,” Levi says.

“You will take off your gear straps,” Erwin says, as he goes to the chest across the room.

When he turns back, Levi is staring at him, but this time his expression is one of audacious surprise. “You’re serious? You’re going to cane me for spilling some oatmeal?”

“I am going to cane you for refusing to take care of yourself, disobeying an order to eat, and purposefully dumping your meal on the floor,” Erwin says.

“You’re really going to cane me for not eating?” Levi says.

“I could spank you instead, considering you are acting like a spoiled child.”

Levi bristles. “Pervert,” he says. Erwin makes no response, just waits with the cane. (Levi’s taken several more creative jabs at him since the bedroom incident – Erwin thinks he’s starting to become immune to them.) Levi glares a moment longer, but then looks back at the mess on the floor and gestures at it. “I need to clean this up.”

“Well you probably should have thought of that before you dumped it on the floor,” Erwin says. Levi glances up at him, this time something tense in his expression, freezing for a moment. “Go get the mop,” Erwin says. He didn’t mean that he really wouldn’t let Levi clean it up first – though really, it was a very interesting choice considering Levi’s need for cleanliness. Perhaps he just couldn’t resist the opportunity, Erwin thinks. (One of Levi’s lesser known, and Erwin finds somewhat paradoxical traits, is his flair for the dramatic.) Levi leaves and returns quickly, cleaning up the mess. Once he’s done, he takes off the gear straps.

“Fifteen,” Erwin says.

Levi grunts in acknowledgement. Erwin rarely gives him so few. Twenty or twenty-five are the usual – both what Levi will ask for and what Erwin will give as punishment.

Erwin gives Levi the strikes. They already have a pot of tea, but Erwin goes down to the kitchens afterwards anyway. He brings back another bowl of oatmeal. Levi’s eyes drop to it when he enters and Levi scowls. He grabs it from Erwin with the same scowl, then starts eating dejectedly.

“Is there a reason you’ve been eating less?” Erwin says.

“I haven’t been eating less,” Levi says.

“You have.”

“I haven’t.”

“I want you to go to medical to get weighed,” Erwin says.

“You’re seriously going to make me go to medical for this?” Levi says, looking up.

“It will take two minutes, you just need to step on a scale, they won’t need to touch you,” Erwin says.

“It’s still filthy there. Illness,” Levi says.

“You can take your medicine if it makes you that nervous,” Erwin says.

Levi scowls some more.

“So, is there a reason you’ve been eating less?” Erwin asks again.

“I am not eating less,” Levi says. “And if I am it’s just because our food is disgusting.”

“Have you been more stressed?” Erwin says. “Sleeping worse than usual?”

“No,” Levi says.

“Have you not been as hungry?”

Levi shrugs.

“Have you felt sick then at all?” Erwin says.

“No.”

“Does this have to do with cleaning, illness?” Erwin says. “I know it scared you when the food made soldiers sick before.”

Levi tenses a little. He takes another angry bite of oatmeal. “No,” he says.

Erwin watches him. “Are you sure?”

Levi glances up, eyes narrow and slanted. “Yes.”

“Then you need to eat more. I expect a report from medical by tonight, with your past and current weight,” Erwin says. “And if you continue to refuse to feed yourself adequately then you will be caned again.”

Levi stabs at the oatmeal with his spoon.

Erwin gets the requested medical report that night. Levi nearly throws it at him, and then crosses his arms and looks over at the far wall instead of at him. Erwin skims the report. Levi’s lost ten pounds since his last physical, which was – Erwin sighs when he reads the date. It was his intake physical. That’s the only one he’s ever gotten – over two years ago now.

“How did you manage to skip last year’s physicals?” Erwin says.

Levi tenses. Erwin looks up from the papers. The expression on Levi’s face is tight but less angry this time, with something almost entreating. He lets out a long exhale. “I really fucking hate those,” Levi says.

“You’ll need one this year,” Erwin says. It’s almost time for yearly physicals anyway, so Erwin won’t make Levi get one now. “You can take the medicine for it. I can schedule it separately if you want.” Erwin frowns at the piece of paper, then looks up again at Levi. “You were underweight when you got here,” Erwin says. He remembers – Levi had looked malnourished. He’d put on more muscle fast (though he was strong already to begin with) – it was clear he hadn’t had enough food before. “Which means you’ve recently lost more than ten pounds, because I’m sure you gained some after this measurement was taken.”

Levi looks away again.

“You’re sure you don’t have any idea why you’ve been eating less?” Erwin says. “You don’t feel more anxious or sick or tired?”

Levi shrugs. “Been tired,” he says.

That could be a result of the weight loss rather than the cause though, Erwin thinks. “Anything else?” Erwin says.

Levi shrugs again. “Haven’t been as hungry. Food looks gross.”

_Looks_ , not tastes. Erwin wonders if Levi is anxious about food contamination, if maybe he doesn’t realize it himself, or doesn’t want to admit it.

“Tell me if there’s anything we can do to make it easier,” Erwin says, “but you need to gain this weight back, Levi. You’ll go back to medical in two weeks to check your weight, but for now you need to start eating more.”

Levi makes an effort for three days. He complains about the food but eats it anyway, almost everything on his plate, three meals a day. Vegetables, beans, even the watery oatmeal. For three days.

His effort level makes an abrupt cut off after that.

“Just let me eat the damn bread,” Levi says.

“Bread does not replace protein,” Erwin says.

“There was meat at dinner yesterday. Protein,” Levi says.

“Yesterday being the key word there, Levi.”

“I’m not eating any less,” Levi says, holding up the second roll of bread. “I just don’t want the fucking eggs.”

“If you want the extra roll of bread, that’s fine,” Erwin says, “but you are eating the eggs too.”

“These are disgusting. It looks like rubber,” Levi says, gesturing with his fork at the eggs. “You can’t like them either.”

They are not the best eggs Erwin has ever eaten. But they are still food on his plate that he is eating. They are lucky to have the protein, and Levi can sure use it. Erwin looks up and across at Levi, where he’s looking down at his plate, cutting up the eggs with his fork into smaller and smaller pieces.

“Have you even tried them?” Erwin says. “They taste fine. I’ve seen you eat eggs before.”

Levi doesn’t answer. Erwin pauses, eyes flicking across Levi. He takes in his stiff shoulders and the stabbing motions of his fork, the scowl on his face, still fixated on his own plate. There’s something dejected in his expression. He _does_ look like a child stubbornly refusing to eat. But Levi is not a child, and so Erwin tries to figure out why he is behaving this way – there must be some explanation, and either Levi is lying about the reason or he’s unaware of it himself.

Erwin’s fairly certain the refusal to eat is a recent development. He’s pretty sure he would have noticed if it had started earlier, and he’s lost weight rather than kept a too-low weight, so it wasn’t a constant problem. Erwin’s recently taken over as commander and Levi has only been made a Captain a few weeks ago, so maybe he’s just been under more stress. But then again, Erwin thinks it may have started before then. Then there’s his previous panic at rotten food, and only shortly afterwards the debacle with the cells. Erwin knows that he’d been a bit jumpy and anxious for a couple days after he was placed in the cells for a night – maybe it never completely went away.

Sitting there now, he looks pretty tense, Erwin thinks. Though not clearly anxious. Erwin eyes him for another moment before Levi looks up.

“Are you feeling sick?” Erwin says.

Levi’s expression tightens in annoyance. “No,” he says. “You keep asking that.”

“Well, there must be a reason your eating habits changed,” Erwin says.

“Maybe I just noticed how shitty our food is,” Levi says.

Erwin sighs. “You need to gain weight and you need to provide your body with a variety of nutrients. I’m sick of having this conversation, Levi. If you really are simply being obstinate about this then you need to start behaving like an adult and eat appropriately. Otherwise I am happy to talk about whatever it is that’s making eating difficult and help you work through it.”

Levi bristles and glares at him again. His mouth tightens to a thin, hard line. He keeps his eyes locked on Erwin’s for another moment, and then in deliberate and harsh movements, he gets up from his chair, grabs his plate, and walks to the trash, before emptying his plate into it. He comes back to his chair and sits down again before picking up the set aside extra roll of bread and tearing off a piece. He takes a bite from it and looks steadily back at him.

“Take off your gear straps,” Erwin says.

Levi’s eyes widen even as his eyebrows slant to an angry coldness. “You caned me three days ago,” Levi says.

“Yes,” Erwin says.

“It’s not healed.”

“Yes.”

Levi’s expression turns even more angry and irritated. “So you can’t fucking cane me again already.”

“It will certainly be unpleasant for you, but it’s not about to cause any lasting damage for you to take another fifteen now,” Erwin says.

Levi’s expression tightens and his shoulder and neck tense some more. He stares back at Erwin with that look, and for a moment Erwin thinks he’s going to refuse. But he stands abruptly again, looking away from him as he starts removing the straps.

Erwin’s never caned Levi before while he’s still had welts from a previous session. It’s true that he can’t do it indefinitely – if Levi continues to refuse to eat every three days or so then he will have to find another solution, but it’s not going to seriously harm him this time.

After Levi bends over the desk, Erwin sees that, despite what Levi said, the marks are already pretty faded. He’d only given him fifteen after all, and Levi has always healed remarkably quickly.

Still, it’s clearly more painful. Levi flinches and sucks in a breath at the first one. When he counts them off, the numbers are bitten out and shaky from the start. He still sounds very angry though, throughout the whole thing. When the fifteen are over, Erwin gives him a moment to breathe before he steps away, but Levi rises onto his elbows and looks over at him before he gets anywhere, a scowling, defiant expression on his face. It’s a wild look, and reminds Erwin of when they first started doing this.

“I won’t eat it,” Levi says, “if you plan on going back to the kitchens now and trying to force feed me again.” Erwin pauses. He’s surprised by the vehemence in his tone, combined with something acidic and dark.

But Erwin merely hardens his own expression. “Then we will continue,” he says.

Levi’s expression goes angrier but there’s no surprise. It’s not until then that Erwin considers that Levi might be doing this on purpose. Like how he used to get into his ridiculous fights and incidents. That maybe that’s at the heart of his refusal to eat, that he’s really baiting Erwin.

_But why?_ Levi comes to him on his own now, has been doing so for months. There’s no reason for it. Does he not realize he’s doing it? But there has to be a different reason that it’s food in particular – why food?

Erwin steps back. “You’ll keep counting,” he says. “You can tell me when you’re ready to eat.”

Levi makes it to thirty-two. Erwin’s actually impressed. He hadn’t expected Levi to hold out for so long, not with the previous caning’s welts still visible. Levi starts crying around twenty-five. He grits his teeth, bangs his hands on the desk, groans and swears, yells.

“Stop,” Levi finally says, a choked noise. He breathes heavily. “Enough, fuck, no more.”

Erwin gives him another moment, his hand on Levi’s back as Levi shudders and gasps. Then he moves away. “I’ll be right back,” he says.

Levi’s in his usual spot when Erwin gets back. He hands the plate of eggs to Levi, who glowers down at it, but takes the plate and fork from Erwin. Erwin watches as Levi stabs at a piece of egg, hesitates with the fork halfway to his mouth, and then finally takes a bite.

He doesn’t grimace or make a face at the taste, but he still pauses for a lengthy moment before taking the next bite. He’s not as relaxed as he usually is after a caning, and he looks decidedly unhappy.

“Did you need more, last time?” Erwin says.

Levi glances up at him. “What?”

“Did you need more,” Erwin says, “three days ago, when I only gave you fifteen?”

Levi scowls at him. “Are you asking if you beat me harder last time if I would have remained obedient for longer?”

“I’m asking if you’ve been stressed and you would have felt better afterwards if I gave you more,” Erwin says. “You’ve rarely asked for fifteen. Did you need more?”

“I wasn’t asking,” Levi says, making another stab of egg.

“No,” Erwin says, “but perhaps you should be.”

Levi pauses again to look up at him. “I’m not doing this on purpose,” Levi says. “I’m not fucking starving myself to get your shitty attention.”

“Then what exactly was that, just now?” Erwin says. “Because I only gave you fifteen, and you decided to hold out until you hit your breaking point.”

“That’s not my breaking point,” Levi says.

Erwin raises an eyebrow. “Really?” he says. “Because it sure looked like it.”

Levi gives him a sharp look but says nothing back.

“Why did you keep going?” Erwin says.

Levi shrugs. “I really didn’t wanna eat this garbage.”

“Enough that you put yourself through that much pain?” Erwin says. “This has to be preferable to taking thirty-two strikes with a cane.” Levi doesn’t respond and Erwin frowns. “You were angry,” Erwin says. “Has something happened?”

“No,” Levi says.

He’s only picking at the eggs now, though he’s eaten the majority of it.

“You’re not hungry?” Erwin says.

Levi hesitates. “No,” he says.

“Has this happened before?” Erwin says. “Where you stopped eating and lost weight?”

Levi hesitates for a long moment this time. “Yes.”

Erwin’s eyes widen a bit. “When?”

“When Is and Farlan died,” he says. Another pause, where he pushes food around on his plate but doesn’t take any bites. “A couple times before we came here. But… we didn’t have much food. I could get by. Isabel was always hungry.”

“And during those times, were you particularly… unhappy, or sad, like when your friends died?” Erwin says.

Levi glances at him, shrugs again. “Things were always shit underground.”

“Were they worse though?”

“Maybe.”

“You’ve been feeling depressed then, now I mean?” Erwin says.

Levi gives him an odd look. “I’m fine,” he says.

Erwin wonders why he hadn’t thought of it sooner, really. He’s known people, soldiers especially, who lose their appetite after experiencing loss, or when they are otherwise feeling poorly. He hadn’t thought of it with Levi though because Levi wasn’t acting despondent when eating – he’d been complaining a lot, irritated and stubborn. But Levi’s always used anger to cover up other emotions, and Erwin wonders if it’s the same thing now.

“Do you know why you’ve been feeling worse?” Erwin says.

“I didn’t say I’ve been feeling worse,” Levi says.

“Levi,” Erwin says. He waits until Levi meets his eyes again, then Levi glances down again, at the eggs he’s still stabbing at.

“Are you still upset by the cells?” Erwin says.

Levi cringes. “No,” he says.

“Is it being made Captain?” Erwin says. “You’ve been doing very well, by the way. But promotions can be very stressful.”

“It’s not stressful,” Levi says.

“You’re now responsible for the lives of your fellow soldiers, in the event that you are given charge of them or need to call orders,” Erwin says. “Of course it’s stressful. And I know you don’t take that responsibility lightly.”

Levi doesn’t have a squad yet. He’s been made captain, which puts him outside of any squad leaders control, and eventually he will have his own squad, but Erwin’s taking things one step at a time. At the moment, he’s only been promoted. Erwin plans on having Levi ride with him on their next expedition, and he’ll serve as a sort of free agent which Erwin can send where he’s most needed. It’s only a matter of time before he will be put in a situation where he will need to rely on his own judgement, where it will be his decisions and his orders that soldiers will follow. And inevitably, there will be deaths associated with those orders. If not on their next mission, then at some point in the future.

Levi waves his hand though, the one with the fork in it. “That’s not stress. That’s just how it is.”

Erwin frowns. “Regardless that type of responsibility can be challenging.”

“You do remember I led a crew underground, right?” Levi says. “This isn’t the first time I’ll be making decisions for a group.”

Erwin pauses, freezes really, because he immediately thinks of Isabel and Furlan, and how Levi had blamed himself in the wake of their deaths.

Levi tenses as Erwin says nothing. He looks down at his plate. “I meant my whole crew,” he says, “there were six of us. A couple others would come in sometimes.” He looks up again and his eyes narrow. “Stop staring at me like that.”

“I’m sorry,” Erwin says. “Have you been… is it bringing up bad memories, being in charge –”

“I was never in _charge_ of Farlan and Is,” Levi says, biting, glaring at him now. “We talked things through. I just led jobs. It wasn’t the same.” His eyes narrow some more, teeth set. “Stop going down this path. I’m not feeling guilty or under pressure or whatever shit you’ve thought up.”

“What are you feeling then?” Erwin says.

“Pissed off, at the moment,” Levi says.

“Are you perhaps just…” Erwin hesitates, asks himself if this is really a good idea, but he thinks of what Levi said, about how he hadn’t eaten after Farlan and Isabel died. So Erwin braces himself for another angry outburst, but says, “Perhaps just sad then? Sad that they aren’t with you now, as you’re moving up in rank?”

Levi freezes. Erwin looks back at him, his expression half masked and half open – he watches Levi carefully, can’t decide if this is the time to fake impartialness or to show feeling. If Levi will balk at any show of sympathy or if what he needs is compassion. Levi’s expression hardens muscle by muscle, eyes going set, lips pressing thin, but it’s not necessarily an angry look, just a hard one. “No,” he says. “That’s not it.”

The way he says it makes Erwin wait for the next part, wait for Levi to continue the statement, but Levi says nothing.

“What is it then?” Erwin says. Levi shrugs but Erwin keeps looking at him. “You’ve thought of something.”

“We’d never seen rain before,” Levi says. “When we first got here. We’d never seen rain. Isabel kept running around in it, wouldn’t shut up. Completely freaked Farlan out at first. The both of them dragged me out under it. That felt surreal, especially when everyone looked at us like we were crazy, because water falling from the fucking sky makes total sense.”

“I suppose if you’d never seen it before –” Erwin starts.

“But it was a windstorm that really fucked me up,” Levi says, and Erwin drops his own sentence where it ended, waits as Levi glances back at him. “We’d felt wind before – wind from using ODM, and little gusts and breezes underground, when someone ran past you or whatever, so it was familiar, so the first time I stood outside during a windstorm it felt… real. Not surreal like the rain, but… really fucking real, too real. Like… all those little breezes, what I thought I knew was wind, was really just these little imitations, and suddenly here’s the real thing.”

Levi’s voice drops off for a moment, and then he meets Erwin’s eyes again. “It feels real now,” he says, “now that I’m Captain. I decided to stay because I wanted to kill titans. So fuck around and play soldier and humor you so I can keep killing titans. But now you want to put me in charge, want me to be Humanity’s Strongest and sell your vision of hope to the pigs in the capitol and the idiotic, idealistic children who join us – want to frame me as some kind of hero, and the cherry on top is that I’m gonna let you do it.”

“You are more than an icon to boost funding and recruitment, Levi,” Erwin says, his frown deepening. “Your skill is incredible, you are called Humanity’s Strongest because –”

“I know,” Levi says, “But I never meant to buy into all your crap. It’s real now. Honestly, I thought I’d be dead by now.”

Erwin’s brow furrows. “You can certainly be a bit reckless outside the walls.” Erwin has never admonished him for it because quite honestly, Levi was on a different level than everyone else – Erwin was still learning to gauge what was or wasn’t within his capabilities. He’d seen Levi perform maneuvers that seemed impossible or highly dangerous, but he’d always made it out fine. Now Erwin wonders if he should have been a bit more careful.

Levi shrugs though. “I’m not dead. I could just pretend before. Pretend to be a soldier. Now I’m… in it.”

“In the Survey Corps, you mean?” Erwin says.

“Yeah,” Levi says. “Can’t really just be pretending when you’re giving me fucking paperwork.”

Erwin laughs. “Isn’t it a good thing though, for it to feel real?” Erwin says.

Levi glances away. He picks at the eggs on his plate some more. He still hasn’t finished them. Levi shrugs. “It’s doesn’t feel good.”

Erwin frowns, but he gets the sense that Levi’s done talking – this might be the most he’s ever heard Levi talk in one go. He watches Levi pick at the food. “Thank you for telling me, Levi,” Erwin says.

Levi glances up, surprise and something blank, unreadable in his expression. “Okay,” he says.

Erwin hums. “Finish your eggs though,” he says, “they’ll go cold.”

Levi gives him an annoyed frown, but he scoops up a bite.

It starts slowly, the way that Erwin starts disciplining Levi for more personal matters, the way things start to bleed over, from military transgressions and disobedience to matters of Levi’s health and well-being.

Erwin decides that he thinks Levi’s lack of appetite is probably due to a combination of factors, though his struggle with the “realness” of his new situation is definitely on the list. Erwin thinks it makes sense – many promoted soldiers struggle with the new responsibility of their positions, and Erwin thinks its Levi’s version of that responsibility. Only it’s an inner struggle instead of an outward feeling of pressure due to the demands of the job. Levi can no longer pretend he doesn’t give a shit – and the more Erwin thinks about it, the more he can understand how Levi might have taken solace in the pretense that his role doesn’t matter.

Two weeks pass. Erwin forces Levi to medical to be weighed again. He’s gained two pounds. Erwin would have liked to see more, but as long as his weight continues to go up, he’ll take it. Erwin’s pretty sure Levi is sneaking bread and getting rid of food he doesn’t like during meals where Erwin’s not around, but he’s at least been eating better when Erwin’s seen him.

They are outside doing morning role call after those two weeks when Erwin spots Levi and nearly blanches.

“Levi,” he says, after quickly approaching him. Levi looks over at him, head cocking to the side slightly. “Take the morning off.”

Levi’s eyes widen. “What?” he says.

“You look like hell,” Erwin says. Dark shadows under his eyes, rumpled clothing, drooping shoulders. Erwin frowns at him. “Have you been drinking?” he says, eyes flicking over him. It’s the morning – Erwin has barely ever seen Levi with _rumpled_ clothing, but especially not in the morning when he hasn’t done any training yet.

Levi bristles, eyes widening even more. “Of course not,” he says.

“Then are you hungover?” Erwin says.

“I just said, I haven’t been fucking drinking,” Levi says, nearly hissing.

“How much sleep did you get last night?” Erwin says.

Levi’s teeth set. “Not much.”

“How much is not much?”

Levi’s mouth remains a tight line for a beat, his expression going hard, blank. “None,” he says then.

“None?” Erwin says. “You’ve gotten no sleep at all?”

“Are you going deaf, old man?” Levi says.

Erwin sighs. “Take the morning off,” he says. “Go sleep.”

“I can’t sleep,” Levi says. “I’ll train today – that should fix it. I’ll crash eventually.”

Erwin runs a hand over his face. “You can’t train on no sleep,” Erwin says. “We’ve talked about this.”

“You say that like I choose this,” Levi says.

“You tried Hange’s sleeping drought?”

“Can’t.”

“What do you mean you can’t?”

“Not supposed to take it too many days in a row,” Levi says. “Already used it last three nights.”

Erwin sighs. “Then at least go lie down, rest even if you can’t sleep. You could try reading for a while. It’s not healthy or safe for you to train like this.”

“That’ll just prolong it,” Levi says. “I’ll exhaust myself running around and then I’ll sleep.”

“Levi, you are taking the morning off,” Erwin says. “If you manage to get some sleep then you can come back this afternoon, but you are not to train again until you get some rest.”

“I’m not going to be able to sleep,” Levi says.

“Then take the day off to relax and rest and you can take Hange’s medicine tonight,” Erwin says. “It won’t kill you to miss one day of training.”

Levi glowers at him.

“Would it help to go back to my office?” Erwin says, mindful that they are not alone. He does not particularly want others to know about their arrangement, and he assumes Levi would appreciate the privacy as well. While plenty of soldiers know that Levi was sent to Erwin whenever he was to be disciplined, Erwin doesn’t think many know that he was caned. It’s an uncommon method of punishment though not unheard of. However, their particular arrangement with Levi coming to him voluntarily would create the kind of gossip Erwin is sure they’d both like to avoid.

“No,” Levi says, still glowering.

“Alright,” Erwin says. “If you change your mind, come find me.”

Levi continues standing there, and Erwin stares back at him.

“This would be where you go back to the barracks to rest, Levi,” Erwin says.

Levi scowls and all but pushes past him back towards the building.

Erwin is in his office just after lunch, writing a letter, when there’s a knock at the door.

“Yes?” Erwin says.

Hange walks in. She has a mixed grimace on her face. “Uh hi Erwin,” she says. “There’s a bit of a situation at medical.”

Erwin pinches the bridge of his nose as he stands in a room in medical, in front of a _very_ agitated Levi.

“I am pretty sure that when I told you to go and rest, it did not include a directive to start running _laps_.”

“I wasn’t running laps, I took the trail in the forest,” Levi says.

He sits on the edge of the bed, his leg bouncing and his arms crossed in front of him. There’s a bandage around his head and another wrapped around his wrist and hand. There’s a visible scrape over one cheekbone. Even Hange looks unimpressed, standing by the door with her own arms crossed in front of her. A doctor stand across the room as well.

“He needs to stay for observation for at least twenty-four hours so we can rule out the –” the doctor says.

“There is no _fucking way_ I am –” Levi starts.

“Levi, you passed out,” Hange says. Levi sets a scathing glare on her, his teeth clenched. “You passed out and you _didn’t wake up_.”

The doctor had explained to Erwin that Levi was spotted by another soldier when he fainted while running. They were unable to wake him and he was carried to medical, where he eventually woke up and immediately tried to leave. It took several nurses and the doctor threatening to restrain him to keep him here this long.

“And I’m fine now,” Levi says. He gestures at himself. “Awake and alive.”

“Captain Levi, you have a head injury,” the doctor says. “We need to monitor –”

“I don’t have a concussion,” Levi snaps.

“We’re not sure –” the doctor says.

“Bullshit, I don’t have a fucking concussion, I’ve hit my head a lot fucking harder than a fall is going to give me and I didn’t get a concussion then. I sure as shit don’t have one now.”

The doctor is clearly growing annoyed. “It is unclear if you have one or not. If you were to calm down a bit and let us finish examining you, we might be able to determine it better.”

“I’ve determined that I don’t have one,” Levi says.

“With all due respect, Captain, you are not currently able to be a very reliable source,” the doctor says.

Levi’s eyes widen in anger. “I’m pretty fucking sure I –”

“Levi,” Erwin says, loudly to be heard over Levi’s voice. Levi glances at him. “You need to allow them to finish treating you and then perhaps we can discuss your leaving.” Levi’s eyes narrow at him. Erwin turns to the doctor. “You just need to check for concussion?”

“And to check the headwound,” he says, relaxing a little bit. He turns back to Levi and takes a step forward, hand rising to reach towards Levi’s head. “So if you’d just allow me to –”

Levi’s entire body tenses, bristling. His hand flashes to his belt, fingers curling. “Don’t touch me,” he says. His voice is low and heavy, dangerous.

The doctor freezes. Erwin sees a sliver of metal against Levi’s fingers and Erwin realizes he’s grabbing for a knife, just hasn’t pulled it entirely out yet, his teeth bared at the doctor, ready to spring upwards.

New plan. “Hange,” Erwin says quickly, turning to her. “Are you able to check for a concussion?”

She startles, eyes widening. “Yes,” she says.

Erwin turns back to the doctor. “He has no other injuries that need to be treated?” he says.

“No,” the doctor says, starting to frown. “But I can’t recommend allowing a patient to leave before treatment is completed.”

“Understood,” Erwin says. “But as long as Hange is capable of treating Captain Levi, I think we will take this elsewhere.” He looks down at Levi, who is looking up at him in some surprise, though he’s still tense. “You can walk, I assume?”

That’s all it takes for Levi to jump up, slipping by Erwin for the door. Erwin and Hange follow after him and Erwin walks quickly before Levi can think to try to slip away.

“We’ll go to Hange’s office – you have a med kit there, right?” Erwin says.

“Yes,” she says.

Hange leads the way and Levi trails after them. When they arrive at her office he is looking very unhappy and haggard but less tense and angry. While Erwin’s sure that Levi had been more anxious while at medical, he’d hidden it behind anger, and it’s starting to show through now. He shifts uncomfortably as Hange locates the kit and opens it up on her desk. Levi’s eyes flick around.

“Sit down,” she says, gesturing at a chair.

Levi does, and Erwin finds a chair and pulls it over as well. Hange starts asking Levi questions after that – his name, his birthday, Erwin’s full name, the date, on for a while. Levi relaxes a little bit as she questions him. He answers everything quickly, without hesitation, and seems a little annoyed by the obviousness of the answers.

“Great, follow my finger,” she says, and then moves it in front of his eyes, steadily back and forth. He does, with no issues. Next she has him stand up and do some simple tasks to test his balance. “Yeah, you seem fine,” she says. She stands up from her chair. “Just need to check the bump now.”

Levi leans back. “You need to wash your shitty hands,” he says. Hange gives him a look but he just tightens his glare in response. She sighs and moves past him, towards the door. “I’ll be back.”

She returns quickly, and Erwin sees Levi eyeing her hands, but they’re even still slightly damp.

“You used soap? Actual soap?” Levi says.

“Yes, Shorty, soap and everything,” she says, holding up her hands and wiggling her fingers.

Levi goes stiff as she unwraps the bandage around his head. It reveals a scrape across his forehead, some drying blood evident. Hange wets some gauze with disinfectant. “This will sting,” she says.

Levi says nothing. His hands curl to fists where they rest on his thighs, but he only lets out a hiss when she dabs at his forehead. It’s thankfully not deep enough to need stitches, so she just applies an ointment and a clean bandage.

“Thank you, Hange,” Erwin says when she’s done and packing up the kit.

Levi is by the door a second later, but he waits until Erwin turns to leave before also exiting. The door shuts behind them.

“You have had a taxing day so I will give you the choice,” Erwin says. “Would you like to wait until tomorrow morning to come to my office or to go now?”

“How generous,” Levi says as he walks next to him. “Now,” he says, before Erwin can say anything.

“Okay,” Erwin says.

They walk to Erwin’s office, and Levi starts taking off his gear without being asked, albeit rather reluctantly, eyeing Erwin as he goes to get the cane.

“Thirty-five,” Erwin says when Levi is done.

Levi’s expression flickers with anticipation and dread, almost wincing. “I really did know I didn’t have a concussion,” he says. “I never get them. And I could have cleaned that scrape up myself, you know it would have been fine. I didn’t need to stay in medical. They should have let me leave.”

“I am ignoring your behavior in medical because I know you were very anxious, regardless of whether you were seriously injured,” Erwin says. “This is for going on a run when you knew you were in no shape to be exercising and for going directly after I explicitly prohibited you from doing so.”

Levi winces. “I was going to rest. Right after I tired myself out enough to sleep.”

“And I thought I made it very clear that it is unsafe and unwise to be exerting yourself when in such poor health,” Erwin says. “There are other solutions than pushing yourself so hard you pass out and can’t be woken up.” Erwin gestures at the desk.

Levi’s eyes move to the desk and he just looks at it with an unhappy, almost resentful expression for a moment before slowly walking over. He pauses when he gets there and then looks at Erwin, a mixed look with just a tad of something entreating. “Come on, Erwin, thirty-five?”

Erwin says nothing, just gives him the same hard, severe look.

Levi lets out an irritated huff and looks forward again. “Fine,” he says. He unbuckles his pants, pushes them down, and leans over the desk.

He gets thirty-five strikes. The last ten or so come grinding out of his teeth as he flinches and his expression sets into a perpetual wince. Once it’s done Erwin gets tea, comes back. Levi sips his for a for a minute or so before Erwin speaks.

“You almost pulled a knife on that doctor,” Erwin says.

Levi tenses a bit, but his voice comes out even. “You saw that, huh?”

“You’re lucky he didn’t,” Erwin says. He takes another sip of his own tea. “What made you so anxious that you grabbed for it?”

Levi lets out an annoyed huff. “I don’t know how many times I have to tell you that I’m really not a fan of medical, Erwin,” he says. “I woke up and there were people touching me in that germ-infested shit pile and then they wouldn’t fucking leave me alone, told me they’d tie me down if I tried to leave – what the fuck did you think was gonna happen?”

Erwin cringes. He supposes that could be somewhat frightening for anyone, especially waking up disoriented in a new place. “Perhaps next time you could try asking them to slow down or if you could have a moment, drink a glass of water.”

Levi says nothing to that. He holds his cup of tea high, close to his face. Erwin’s noticed that he does it often, in combination with the strange way he holds his cup. Erwin wonders if he finds the smell or the heat calming.

They don’t talk too much more while they finish their tea. Erwin’s not going to berate Levi about the knife, not when he understands that it was just a panicked reaction, and when he hadn’t even pulled it all the way out. There’s not much more to say about him disobeying Erwin’s order to rest. When they’re finishing, Erwin stands up and collects the kettle he brought.

“Come back to my rooms,” Erwin says, “you can use my bath, and hopefully that will help you relax and to sleep. You can take my bed as well if that will help.” Levi has a private room now that he is a captain, but it’s not the comparatively extravagant set up that Erwin has as commander. He does not have a private washroom, and Erwin knows the mattresses are not much better than the thin cots of the barracks.

Levi makes a noncommittal noise but follows Erwin back, stopping at his own room for a change of clothes. He makes no hesitation in taking over Erwin’s bath. When it’s been half an hour and Levi hasn’t come out yet and Erwin has ceased to hear any noise coming from the room, he starts to get worried. He stands and walks to the door, then wraps lightly at it. “Levi, you haven’t fallen asleep, have you?” The water must be getting cold by now.

He hears a grunt from inside.

“Levi?” Erwin says.

“Yes, I’m awake,” Levi says. “Give me a minute.”

His voice is just a tad rough and Erwin wonders if he really did start to fall asleep in the bath. He hears water splashing and then more movement from inside though and goes back to his chair. A few minutes later Levi comes out, dressed in clean, casual clothing. He doesn’t hesitate when he walks to Erwin’s bed, lying down on his stomach on one side of it. He settles his head between his arms and turns his face in the opposite direction, away from Erwin.

Erwin’s a little surprised that he’s staying. He wonders if Levi is still feeling anxious, if maybe that has something to do with it, or if Erwin’s bed really is that much more comfortable. Maybe he’s just so tired that he doesn’t want to take the trip back to his own room. Either way, Erwin pulls the curtains shut, leaving the room dim. He sits by one of the windows and lets the curtain open just enough to shine some light on the papers and books he’s brought from his office.

“If you knew we were just coming back here, why did we bother going to your office first?” Levi says. Erwin looks up to see Levi turned towards him again, still lying down on his stomach. He looks much more relaxed now, almost sleepy. “You do still have that cane here, don’t you?”

Erwin sighs. “You didn’t seem particularly happy when I used that one the last time,” Erwin says. “I thought you’d appreciate the separation.”

Levi makes a noncommittal hum. “As long as you clean it.”

“I can assure you that it hasn’t been used since you were here last.”

“Going through a dry spell, Erwin?”

Erwin sighs. “Go to sleep, Levi.” He sees Levi’s eyes close, the hint of a smile on his lips.

Levi sleeps for a few hours, though it’s still fitful sleep. He shifts around often, curling on one side then the next. He wakes up in the evening, when he gets up and goes down to dinner. Afterwards he retreats to his own room.

Levi looks much better the next morning, Erwin notes. He still looks a bit tired, but it is not the exhausted, sleep-deprived haggardness that he showed before. He looks okay the next morning as well, though he’s a bit quiet and Erwin has to nag at him to eat again. He does eventually finish his food though, and he’s not looking sick or over-tired like before.

It’s that evening though, that Erwin opens his office door to find Levi sitting in one of his chairs, slumped forward, an elbow on the armrest, head leaned against his hand.

“Levi,” Erwin says. He wasn’t expecting to see Levi there, but he’s not particularly surprised either. Levi has a habit of dropping in and picking the lock when he’s not there. Erwin pauses after shutting the door again though. He frowns when he takes in the drooping expression on Levi’s face.

“I’m not feeling well,” Levi says, before Erwin can say anything. Erwin’s frown deepens, and his alarm grows. He’s surprised. He’s not sure Levi has ever offered so straightforwardly, with no prompting, anything about his emotions or how he’s doing.

“Are you ill?” Erwin says, looking closer at him. He takes a seat across from Levi, peering forward. But Levi doesn’t look ill, just… tired, sullen.

“No,” Levi says. “I don’t think so.”

“What’s wrong?” Erwin says.

Levi shrugs. “I don’t feel well,” he says again.

“Well what doesn’t feel good?” Erwin says. “Did something happen?”

“I don’t know,” Levi says. “Nothing happened.”

Levi looks back at him. Erwin waits for more, but he says nothing. “Tell me how you’ve been feeling?” Erwin says.

“I told you twice already,” Levi says with a flicker of annoyance, “I don’t feel well.”

“Describe it, Levi, what doesn’t feel well?” Erwin says.

Levi shrugs. “Shitty. In general.”

It strikes Erwin that it’s almost as if Levi simply lacks the vocabulary. “You mean you’re having a bad day?” he says.

“No,” Levi says. “It’s like you said before, when you lost your shit over my eating.”

“What, that things feel… too real now? That they feel serious now?” Erwin says. “Or do you mean when I said you were feeling depressed?” Levi shrugs again. Erwin waits. Levi doesn’t break eye contact, but he offers nothing else. “Levi, you have to give me something here,” Erwin says.

“I’m tired, I guess,” Levi says.

“You’re still having trouble sleeping?”

“No, I’ve been sleeping the same again.”

Erwin waits. He gets nothing. “Well,” Erwin says finally. “Did you want me to cane you then?” He assumes that that’s why Levi is there, though it’s odd for him to have not stated it already. They don’t usually talk much beforehand. Erwin’s thinking that maybe after a caning Levi will be a little more open. He usually is.

Levi winces though. “No, it’s only been two days and you gave me thirty-fucking-five last time – still hurts like hell already.”

“I could just give you a few,” Erwin says. “Lighter too.” It’s not particularly ideal though, certainly. He does need to give Levi time to heal, and this is starting to seem like an ongoing problem, if it’s connected to his poor eating as well.

There are other options of course. It occurs to Erwin that spanking with just his hand, and not too hard, would make a much lighter punishment, and might give Levi the catharsis he seems to crave without the sharp pain of the cane, without leaving any lasting marks – just enough to make the previous welts sting. The thought is immediately followed with the realization of how intimate and consequently inappropriate such a punishment would be. Erwin pushes it out of his head.

“Think I’ve had my fill of pain for now,” Levi says.

“Well, then why have you come here?” Erwin says. It’s the first thing that pops into his head, because honestly, he’s surprised. He doesn’t think Levi has ever volunteered any information about his emotional state without a caning first, and still now Levi seems resolute on offering the bare minimum.

“Where else am I supposed to go?” Levi says, but it’s gone bitter and he gets up, turning towards the door.

“Wait, Levi,” Erwin says. “I didn’t mean you had to go – just – I don’t know what you’re looking for or what’s wrong and you’re not giving me a lot of help figuring it out. What do you need right now?”

Levi stops and turns back to him. His eyes are dark. He stares back at Erwin for a moment, and then his eyes suddenly drop. “I don’t know,” he says.

Erwin lets out a breath. “Well,” he says. “Why don’t we start with tea.”

Erwin gets tea. Levi stares down at it. The silence is palpable, and Erwin once again tries to figure out what to say.

“Can you try to describe how you’re feeling to me?” Erwin says. Levi opens his mouth, his expression scrunching to something annoyed, but Erwin cuts him off. “With details,” Erwin says, “as much as you can.”

Levi still looks annoyed. “I just… I don’t know, Erwin, I don’t want to do anything. I’m tired, I’m sick of training, I’m not hungry, I just want to sit around all day. Everything feels… difficult.”

“Difficult how?”

“I don’t know, difficult to finish, difficult to get through. Like I’m walking through mud all day.”

Erwin’s frown deepens the more Levi talks. He wonders if it could be physical, if Levi’s lack of sleep and eating has caught up to him and he really is just suffering from exhaustion.

“I think you need to sleep more,” Erwin says.

“Yeah, well we all fucking knew that, Erwin,” Levi says, eyebrows slanting in annoyed sarcasm.

Maybe they need to take another trip to see Hange, or to medical, Erwin thinks. He nearly winces at the thought. He doesn’t think he’ll be able to get Levi anywhere near medical anytime soon.

“Maybe you should take a couple days off,” Erwin says.

“I’d just sit in bed all day, stare at the ceiling,” Levi says. “I don’t think that’s gonna do much for me, Erwin.”

“Are you sure there’s nothing bothering you?” Erwin says. “Anything at all that’s been upsetting you? You talked before about things feeling too real now, like you’re really in it now, is it that feeling?”

Levi hesitates, tea in hand. He frowns. “I guess,” he says. He pauses. “The new recruits,” he says.

Erwin waits. Levi stares at his tea.

“The new recruits?” Erwin prompts.

“Yeah,” Levi says. “They’re all so fucking cheery.”

“Is that… annoying you?” Erwin tries.

“No.”

“Well, what is it then?”

“We have an expedition in two months.”

“Yes.”

“Half of them will be dead in two months.”

“Is that what’s been bothering you?” Erwin says, his eyes widening. They’ve just gotten a batch of new recruits in a couple weeks ago. It’s not unreasonable to be upset at the prospect, but Levi’s been through this many times now. There are always heavy losses, and they are always overwhelmingly new soldiers.

“Yeah. Maybe,” Levi says.

“We’ve been through this many times before,” Erwin says. “Is it different because you’re a Captain now?”

Levi shrugs. “That’s what’s changed, right?”

“Maybe,” Erwin says.

Levi is silent again for a long moment. When he speaks, it’s abrupt. “They’re all so fucking self-righteous and excitable and trying to prove themselves, just fifteen-year old brats, most of them, and they have no fucking idea. It feels so fucking pointless sometimes, Erwin.”

Ah. They’ve finally gotten somewhere. “You think our cause is pointless?” Erwin says, but his tone isn’t judgmental or insulted.

“No. Obviously,” Levi says. “But it sure fucking feels that way sometimes.”

Erwin sighs. “Yes, it does,” Erwin says. He can understand why the feeling might be popping up now, intensifying, with his recent promotion.

“We can only keep fighting, to make sure our comrades lives mean something,” Erwin says.

“Don’t give me your lines,” Levi says.

Erwin smiles softly. “They’re all I have,” he says. “You’re right. It feels pointless sometimes. But we have to look at what we have managed to accomplish. Hange’s research, however small. The scraps of knowledge we’ve been able to gather. The new scouting formation we’ve developed. I believe firmly that our ultimate survival depends on the eradication and understanding of the titans, and I think you believe it too.”

Levi takes a sip of his tea, and this time he meets Erwin’s eyes over the brim of his cup, between his fingers.

“Sometimes just continuing to endure is all we can do, is ultimately just as crucial. We can’t make future advancements if the Survey Corps is disbanded. We have to keep moving forward. Sometimes just holding fast is the greatest importance.”

Levi drums his fingers against the armrest of his chair. “You really do like giving speeches, don’t you?”

Erwin smiles. “Everyone enjoys what they’re good at, Levi.” Levi rolls his eyes at that. “But I do believe it,” Erwin says. “Obviously, we will do everything we can to further our goal, to advance our knowledge and strategy, but if all we ever do is make it long enough to hand off the torch to the next generation, that will be enough.”

“Fine,” Levi says. “You’re good at speeches, Erwin.”

Erwin grins. “Does that help then, or are you just admiring my charisma?” Levi grunts. Erwin will take it. “Would you like to use my bath again?” he says. “Maybe it will help you relax and get some rest again.”

“Okay,” Levi says.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know why I even bother to put chapter caps on my stories - clearly I do not know when to quit. Anyway, you will see that I have made the number of total chapters a ? again.
> 
> An important note on the trajectory of the story: 
> 
> When I started writing this, it was meant to be a two chapter kind of crack fic, where I basically went "hm, if Erwin and Levi _were_ to enter a BDSM relationship stemming from Erwin's role as Levi's commanding officer, how would it happen?" I thought of it as kind of an experiment and challenge to see how realistic and how natural I could make it seem. I love reading fics where Erwin becomes Levi's Dom post-ACWNR, but there are a lot of challenges with that narrative: they often feel rushed, unrealistic or OOC in canon, or too coercive for me (that's not to say those fics aren't still awesome - I've definitely read some amazing ones!) 
> 
> So I wanted to see if I could pull off a really smoothly transitioned, naturally progressing relationship with BDSM elements. I'm pretty happy with how the last three chapters turned out, which was why I was going to stop there and make this current chapter a bonus scene instead - I was planning on time skipping to Levi and Erwin in a romantic/sexual relationship and doing one last scene.
> 
> But because I, once again, don't know when to quit, I've decided not to time skip and instead to just continue writing the story. So this is all to say, I wanted to give you all a heads up that while the BDSM aspects have been strictly platonic so far, I'm now working towards a more romantic/sexual dom/sub relationship for Erwin and Levi. (The goal of course is to make this happen just as naturally, and without seeming forced, but we'll see if and how well I'm actually able to do it.)
> 
> I have no idea how this will work out, so as always your feedback and thoughts are very welcome. On that note, what did you guys think of this chapter? I know this one is not really much of a break from the previous chapters, but I'd love to hear what you think of it anyway.
> 
> (If you read through this entire massive endnote then I applaud you, and again thank you for reading!)

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading - I'd love to know your thoughts on this. I'm planning on there being one more chapter. Comments completely make my day and I would love to know what you think!


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